I was listening to the Acoustic version of Flyleaf's "Cassie" and following verse stood out to me:

"They didn't love their lives so much

As to shrink from death

Inspired by their footsteps

We will march ahead

Don't be shocked that people die

Be surprised you're still alive"

I wrote this journal entry at alljournal.com and one related to it. I want them to make you think, so I want you to read through them and just maybe create a response to them. You don't have to if you don't want to, but I'd like it if you did do so... :)

Other than that, things are alright. Christmas was alright and so was Thanksgiving. :)

English Assignment Overdue (this post WILL be deleted)

Describe a person or event that has influenced your life in a significant way and how you have grown as a result of this experience.

The person who has influenced me the most is my father. I think that he can be judgmental at times, but I think his judgment have matured me. His judgmental attitude has matured me, because even though I can still be rash, I think my way of thinking has changed. His way of thinking has influenced me because I'm now more inclined to think things through and look at things a bit more differently.

It all started when I met one of my friends on a poetry website, and told me his religious views of LeVeyan Satanism and Wicca. My dad is a Christian, so this didn't sit well with him. In fact, he banned me from the computer because he thought that my friend would try to "corrupt" my way of thinking but, at sixteen, my mind wasn't focused on being the Miss Goody Two Shoes I had been all my life. My mind was focused on on e thing--getting my friend to understand the damage I had done by letting it slip to my father that he was a Satanist. I tried explaining it to both my parents, actually, but they did not listen to me. They stuck with their narrow-minded views. The music he likes is everything that sounds good, but mostly metal and my family likes R&B and Hip-hop; my dad likes Christian music. I like the music that my friend likes. My friend's views on life are the opposite of what my family's views on life are just in general.

My father castigated him, blamed him for my changes. I attended church and Bible Study less and less, spent more time on the computer, enjoying the music my friend sent me. Metaphorically speaking, my dad burned him at the stake for his beliefs and that wasn't fair.

It took my dad time to come around and let me back on the computer. I did not use the computer for thirteen days so my friend and I call that the Thirteen Days of Exile. My dad stopped blaming him for the things I did wrong, like listen to the music my friend sent. We, my father and I, never got along well to begin with, so in my opinion, that made things worse. But thanks to him and my friend, I don't think my thinking will be the same and that's what I'll need to succeed.

"Now I'm scared and I'm afraid

Of the roles that I have played

Of vows I broke and vows I made

It's time to end, to end this masquerade"

--L'Âme Immortelle

"Masquerade"

The song can be found by clicking this link and just listening to it. It's a really good song. I think it's about breaking your own bindings...you don't need a mask to be who you are. I mean, I could dissect this verse by verse but that would take too much time. Perhaps another day.

As for thanksgiving...it went well. Now let's see about Christmas...

Update for 8 November 2008

Just dropping in to let people know I'm still alive..just SWARMED with work and trying to keep everything in tact.

More to come..maybe.

Well...

It's almost Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas time, and that means I get really down during those three holidays and that'll get me all the way up to my eighteenth birthday (6/February). Let's see....on Halloween I can be found crying because it's almost Thanksgiving and because a person I thought I love couldn't trust me enough to tell me that there was a rumour going around that I had been kissing him in the boys' locker room. (I wouldn't mind taking a peek in there, but stilll). Between Thanksgiving and Christmas I'll start crying because it's Thanksgiving and nearly Christmas and I get really down on myself...probably because around that time I wanted to die. I mean, I wrote my will and everything. But moving on....and once Christmas hits town I'm done for until my birthday, as I said.

But yea....I'm doing well in my classes and I know I got a decent grade on my German test so I'm all yes! :)

Now on Tuesday I just have to play catch up in my classes. If the pep-rallies didn't bore the bejesus out of me I'd've went to school that day...seriously!

How are you?

Update for 3 October 2008

I keep forgetting to tell you that i got back my Journal and Story notebook on Thursday last. :) I haven't been writing in it much due to school work, but I'm trying to keep up as much as I can.

I fell asleep in the middle of my American Law homework and woke up at 12:08 am this morning...and woke up at 6:30 am this morning. So I didn't get much sleep. I didn't finish my Geometry test or my English homework for that matter, you know?

Being on Medication is hard. :(

You Know What's Über-Annoying?

Is when I talk to a friend of mine and no matter how long I wait he seldom ever responds. I mean we [somehow] got a conversation rolling on Saturday but now...are we really meant to be friends. I wonder about the same thing with my other friend on Facebook...but with him it's like so long as he's logging in and doing something be it join a group, add a friend, etc then I'm pretty okay. But with this other friend....I've known him for what feels like the longest time and just recently we don't talk and fiddle around with the smilies as much as we used to, you know? I've known both of these people for the longest time and neither one of them are talking to me for reasons I don't understand and it's making me feel like I've done something wrong with both of them. I'd like to know what it is but I am afraid to ask them for fear that they might be mad at me...or more so if they're already mad. What have I done? One friend I just talk to and the other I sent a quote that he seemed to take well in my opinion. So...I don't know what the problem is. I wish I knew so I can rectify this mess....if it really is a mess. And if it's not a mess and it's a case of them not wanting to be my friend anymore, then I'll be devastated because I miss them both like crazy...have for quite some time. But I think I know why one of them is not talking to me and I hope it's not because that one of my friends has a girlfriend that he talks to, I'm betting, on a daily basis. I wish he talked to me like he talks to her. :(

Other than that, there's nothing big going on, minus my medication.

Update for 29 September 2008...Part 2?

I'm almost out of Abilify which isn't good. My appointment at the Bermingham Clinic got cancelled...which isn't good because the two are connected. :'( I didn't have to go to school today and when I told Colin about it he basically was like "Why?"

I'm having an okay day so far. How are you?

Update for 29 September 2008

So I've just about finished my first month of school for my Senior year and I'm okay with that because it means I'm one month closer to graduation (w00t!) and college. To be honest, I'm excited and afraid of going to college. I'm excited because I'll be on my own. I won't have to hear my mother and sister fight over the remote (playfully...but those shrill voices make me want to slaughter them.) But I'm scared at the same time to be out on my own. I'm afraid of the world and everything in it. All the bad guys. Maybe I've been reading too much news and the like, but that's how I feel at this point in time. Hopefully that outlook will change. I would sincerely like for that outlook to change because I know I can't walk around for the rest of my life afraid at everything. I know that, I think I realize that. Maybe I don't 'cause if I did, I wouldn't be writing things like that, I don't think. You know?

But, other than that, it's Mid-Marking Period and reports are coming in the mail. Minus the Psychology paper I did not do on a mental health career (mostly because I could not find ANYTHING I could use. :( ), I'm doing pretty damn okay in school. Mentally...well, put like this. 35mgs of Thorazine works because I'm not hearing the voices anymore (least not at this moment as I'm typing...or all day for the last few days....the people I know should be glad to hear that.) It's also HSPA (High School Proficiency Assessment) make up week this week. Students who did not take or failed parts of the HSPA have this week to make it up or get a better grade. As a result, most kids in my English class were not there. Everyone was there in my Geometry class, but everyone in my Geometry class are Sophomores, Juniors and Seniors. In fact, I think I am one of the few Seniors in my Geometry class. In the minority. Just like in German class. I'm one of the oldest in my class. There's another seventeen year old, but I don't know when his birthday is. :( I'd like to know if I'm the oldest out of everyone (next to Frau Charlesworth) there. 

Speaking of German, I got a C on my test (27/35 points). Not bad. A friend of mine would have hit the roof if he found out I got a C. I think he thinks I'm super girl or something like that and expects me to make all A's--not impossible, but still....a C is passing in my opinion (and in my mother's). I think that you just have to try hard enough to pass. If you want more, you go for more. It's that simple.

On Friday we played volleyball because it was wet and disgusting outside to play softball (thank goodness...I don't like softball in the slightest. Don't ask me why I signed up. Maybe it's because I needed to do something in Gym before I flunked out.

And speaking of Gym, I've been crying a lot in that class. I don't know if it is a side effect of 35mgs of Thorazine (I'll have to look that up) or my Abilify...or it's just because I'm a bit off like that. It's around the same time everyday lately--around 2pm or so. And people are just like "Why are you crying?" and it's just like....I don't know why I'm crying, I just know I am. And it's not cool at all. Nope, I don't think so. I cried in Volleyball on Friday, and I don't know why. I cried the first week of Gym, and I don't know why. I cried in softball, and I don't know why. I once cried in Geometry, and I don't know why. I don't know why I'm in this crying state of mind. Maybe it's because Mr. Pursell was going too fast for my liking? Maybe it's because I just felt the need to cry. Why, though? Why, why, why? What can I do to stop it from falling apart and to keep me from unraveling anymore than I am. I mean, I can't drop out of school.....as much as I love my mother, I want my kids to have better than I had. Living in and out of hotel rooms and constantly moving. I don't want for my kids to go through that, you know?

I'm glad if you made it this far down. Congrats :) This is a long blog, but I just kept on typing and typing.

Minus the fact that I won't go to bed until after 10:30 pm, I'm doing pretty okay, minus the crying.

My Prized Possessions

I left my journal and my story notebook in my psychologist's office...I really need those back. They're my babies!!!!!!!!

I'll keep you updated as this story progresses. 

Update for 17 September 2008

So I've been a little anxious lately, but I guess that's alright. My English grade is starting to slip because I can't get any work done (because I'm so sleepy and my brain is not working with me). Luckily, my teacher is giving me extra time to make up the work I can't seem to do in class. Journal entries. You'd think that this would be easy for someone who writes and blogs most of the time, right?

Wrong. This [the English journal assignment] does not come easy to me at all. I find it impossible to get out a topic sentence, let alone five of them. Or seven of them. That's hard to me, so I request that I take it home and do it after I have gotten some sleep, you know?

I'm not so scared to go to sleep anymore, but I won't go to bed while my screensaver is running or before 10:30. For some reason, if you have my way of thinking, that seems pretty logical to me. I don't think it would make sense to other people, but it's out there now, and I'm not taking it back.

Goodnight.

Update for 14 September 2008

I got into Geometry! Yay! But it's hard, though. All of those angles and what not kinda drive me up the wall...and I am determined to pass Geometry...even if I have to take the final to do so! (At my school if you pass the midterm and do well in the third and fourth marking periods you don't have to take the final...but that's only for Seniors and full year classes only) I'm not giving up on Geometry, no no no! I'll ask my teacher for help (and I don't do that often! No seriously I really don't. I'm just odd like that.) if need be. That's how it will be. I don't mind staying after school for help..because we all know I'll probably be needing it.

German, English and Psychology are my favorite classes despite the fact that after second period starts and I get mid-way through the period I'm ready to go to sleep because I have to take Thorazine in the morning time...35mg of it (it used to be 25mg) and I don't like it, but we (the friends who know and my family) want the voices to go away and stay away, you know? 

My therapy so far is going alright...I see her again on this coming Tuesday @ 4:00pm. And then I might see my old psychologist on Friday. So I think that this will be an eventful week.

Now if only I could not cry in Physical Education class...that would be sweet. :) My gym teacher has all my unit (every marking period there are four units that you can choose from....separate from your "grade level" teacher) teachers looking out for me, making sure I don't break down (again). I don't understand why this is happening to me anyway. Maybe it's PMS or maybe it's part of my problems (the doctor I see who prescribes my medications says that we can rule out Bipolar disorder because I don't exhibit any of the symptoms of it....)

But...yea, 12th grade is pretty okay. My sister is a Freshman and were in the same school with my brother who's a Sophomore. What's annoying is that I have to walk my sister to school everyday. One of these days my brother's going to do it. I know it because I can't take it anymore. I just can't. Sometimes it sucks to be the oldest. Why? Because I'm the one stuck with everything! But hey, least I get to graduate first. :)

How's Senior Year Going?

Senior year is going alright, thanks for asking.

I take (and this is in the process of changing):

Math (changing to Geometry)

English

Creative Writing

American Law

German 1 (so far this is easy)

Psychology

Sociology

Phys Ed

Health 

Just oodles of fun. I like English the best so far...and then Psychology & everything else is lumped together. :) I have a long paper due for my Psych teacher at the end of the semester...so maybe I should start that now. lol

School :)

School starts in just a few more days & I'm ready to go!

Days go by and I don't remember you

I don't remember a thing

I look around at the things that were once familiar to me

I know that this isn't easy for either one of us

And we both know that I need help

Real help

But where can I get that help from?

The song plays in my head

And I still don't remember

Who are you? What is this? Where am I?

And the voices

They drive me up the wall and won't leave me alone

You know?

Where can I get the help I need when there's nowhere to turn

No place left to go

I don't want to ask you to help me because you helped me enough

Yet there's no place else to go

Anxiety builds up

And releases at the most inopportune times

In front of my friend, for instance

I now hope he doesn't think I'm a freak

He says I scare him somewhat

I was afraid of that

But I needed to know so I can..

Never Mind

You wouldn't get it

I know you wouldn't get it

I'm afraid of just about everything that goes on

And I'm afraid to be out after five pm

My friend understands this to some extent

I don't understand why I am so afraid of things now

Strangers tell me who I am and what I've recently done

Strangers are the ones who are telling me that I'm Aden

I'm seventeen

I'm out of the loop

As is the norm these days

At least for me anyways

Time goes by and I lose my friends

The people that mean the entire world to me

And I am all alone

Just wanting

Wishing 

Waiting

For someone to come and find me again

23-8-08 [Update]

My memory's coming back with my friend's (David's) help. My fire alarm went off this morning and it bugged me out. And last night wasn't good either because I nearly broke down in front of my soon-to-be boyfriend (we're waiting until I'm 18). The voices/noises in my head are really starting to get to me. I don't want to go back to the hospital. No no no! I mean, the last hospital I was in was okay..but i don't want to go back anyways. People were nice, but I don't want to go back to the hospital. If my therapist saw that she'd want to send me to the hospital in a jiffy and most likely without my consent because I would be in a state of turmoil and couldn't speak proper English, if I could speak at all. I remember the first time I was being sent to the hospital. My mom and dad had a fight in front of me and I couldn't deal so I hid underneath my blanket. I couldn't get my thoughts across, really. And it was frightening for me. because I had never done this before. I'd been in an ambulance once when I was 8 because of a bus driver closed the door on my arm (Honest to goodness I did not feel that.), but I somewhat remember that. I remember this recent occurrence very well, thankees much.

But...I'm afraid now that it will happen again. I had dreams of being in the hospital--is this a sign that I have to go back? I just might go back anyways because I don't want to put my soon-to-be boyfriend through this madness. He wouldn't understand, and I won't tell you why he won't understand here.

Updating Once Again

So yesterday I had an appointment with a therapist. The only thing I know is that I'm going to start "officially" start seeing her the day before school starts (School starts on 3 September; I see her on the 2nd.) Things went okay. My mom came with me so...yea. It was okay. We'll just see what happens next.

Enjoy, 

Aden

I'm Alive....I'm Alive!

Just letting you know I'm still alive. No nightmares....now I'm just afraid to leave my house after 5pm.

I have an appointment tomorrow that I'm going to that will help me deal with this stuff.

--Aden

Poem for 5-8-08

Things seem to have gotten worse
I'm afraid to step out of my house
I'm afraid to sleep and dream
So I stay in and stay up, slowly consumed by fear
A fear of being kidnapped
A fear of being raped
A fear of being shot

I think that people--ordinary people--are out to hurt me
And I get scared and play fucked up scenarios in my head
Scenarios that will eventually leave me chained to my apartment

And things don't get better at night, either
At night I'm trying to avoid nightmares
Wanting dreamless sleep
Craving it like Vanilla ice cream
Wanting it like money
Wanting a dreamless sleep

So, you see, things have gotten worse
I'm afraid to sleep, and I'm afraid to leave my house
It's just one big mess

The Last Days of Summer--Day 32

Well, in dear ol' America (and other parts of the world), it's August 1, 2008--and that means school, if it hasn't started already, will be starting soon (I know a girl who goes back to school on August 11--that's before most of my friends (I'm pretty sure) head back to their dorms and the like). In about thirty days we go back and live amongst the books and our friends we haven't seen in three months...and of course that means things start to become interesting again.

Hopefully. I mean, I'll be living in my psychology book for half the year, and then I'll drown myself in my Sociology book the other half of the year. My English book will always be lugged home, along with my Geometry, Spanish III and German I books. And my health book in the Spring :) Yay! (I'm being semi-sarcastic)

So, until I'm actually back in school, I might be talking about it a bit too much. In that case, just tell me to take a chill pill, I'll be back before I know it and blah, blah, blah. :)

In Other News...

No nightmares :)

Part 2 from Last Night

No nightmares last night, scared earlier this afternoon for no reason that I know of or remember....and why am I so freaked to tell one of my best friends this. I mean, it's not like he won't be there for me, because he will. It's just like...oh, I don't know why I'm so freaked out to tell him about this. I feel like that there is (and I know I've said this once before) no one around. I know people are, but I don't like dragging people down with my problems and issues and things, especially since that is all I seem to have these days. Problem on top of problem on top of problem. If I'm not anxious, I'm hearing voices; if I'm not hearing voices, then I'm freaked at the prospect of going outside, afraid that I'll be shot or kidnapped or what have you. So, I keep my problems inside, knowing that there are people who want to help, and they know who they are, and I know they mean well. But it's like...I want them to know the happy things about me too, and right now I don't think I know how to let people in on both and let them know when I am having a problem and when there's a whole bunch of good going on as well, you know?

I don't know if it is just me, but in the end....Look at me, I'm a mess. I can't even leave my house without thinking that I will be hurt now, and I don't know how to communicate that to my friends just yet. I mean, I told one of my closest friends I'd keep him updated, but I'm afraid to tell him this..and why should I be afraid to--my friends are all nice enough and everything. So...why? Why am I afraid to confide in my friends when I probably need them the most?

comments appreciated

Part 2

Slightly scared to go to sleep, but I'll try anyways. We'll see what happens when I post here tomorrow.

Goodnight.

What Next?

When I go outside, I think that everyone wants to hurt me--granted, there might be people out there who do want to hurt me--but I don't think everyone wants to hurt me, no.

It's an annoying feeling, actually, to be scared of everyone (or almost everyone) you come in contact with. Things seem to take longer than usual because it's like "Is this person going to try and hurt me?" "Are they going to shoot me--Do they have guns?" and it is very annoying and frightening and, I think, leaves me a mess in the end.

And while I'm thinking about it...I'm out of it more lately. I mean, yea, my memory is (as far as I know) intact and working, but I feel out of it and restless at times, mostly around 4 and 7 or 8pm. There's a store called Save A Lot right near where I live (it's not a long walk) and sometimes I have people wonder because I go in there at least 2 times a day because I get so bored and riled up that I have to volunteer myself (despite the fact that I'm afraid of being hurt everytime I step foot out of my apartment and down the flight of stairs and out of the main door) to go to the store to buy things for my mother, brother or sister.

I'm just one big mess.

Update--26 July 2008

I'm not having nightmares now...instead I'm somewhat paranoid about being shot everytime I step foot out of my house and out into the real world. It's just started to recently happen. What's worse (and my parents don't know yet) is that sometimes I think of hurting other people and that's just not cool. I don't want to go back to the hospital at all. No no no. I do not want to go back to the hospital.

Right now, I don't know how to control it or anything. I just know it's there and I don't like it in the slightest.

Although

I'm sleepy, yet I don't want to go to sleep. I should have been in bed an hour ago....but, I don't want to go to sleep right now. I feel scared to go to sleep.

Untitled 2

No nightmares last night, and hopefully the fear of having one won't incapacitate me.

Untitled

I've found a new kind of music to help me sleep to, but now I'm afraid to go to sleep because I'm afraid the music won't work and I'll have nightmares. I was scared last night, and the night before and the night before that I think. Yes, I was and it's not particularly pleasant to know that you are afraid to fall asleep. I would rather fall asleep and wake up super early and have no nightmares than to wake up at x am/pm and have had several nightmares. Maybe I'm being irrational, but right now I don't care. I'm too scared to go to sleep. I'm afraid of the possibility of the fact that I will have nightmares and keep having them. I know I"m afraid of that. I want to tell a friend of mine but he's got so much going on I'd rather not tell him until later, if later comes.

I'm tired, but I'm scared to sleep right now. Maybe in an hour or so...

So, A Different Kind of Music Does Help?

I think a different kind of music helped me to better sleep last night. No wacked out dreams that involve naked little boys or gunshots and almost being shot.

Normally, I sleep to the opening theme to The Rage: Carrie 2 that can be found here (it's the very first song you will see.). Last night I listened to Ocean of Sorrows Intro in G Minor (and I can't find that right now for you to listen to) I slept the same, but me being weird like that seemed for me to help prevent nightmares.

By the way, if you know of any FREE dream dictionaries available for download, please let me know. :)

No Sleep

I've been having bizarre dreams lately and I'm so scared I'll have another one that I don't want to go to sleep. What I'm going to do is change the music I've been listening to while I sleep. If that doesn't work, then I don't know what I'll do. I'm a mess. A complete mess.

Updating You Again

Yes, I know it's been awhile. It's summer and I haven't been as busy as I planned. By the way, anyone looking for the "Summer Before the End" blog should know I've deleted that because it was an unnecessary blog, and a waste of my time.

As far as my mental stability is concerned, it's alright. Better than last month, if you ask me. Just feeling depressed--and nothing's going on! Nothing in the slightest is going on. I'm just depressed.

It doesn't help that I'm apparently Bipolar. :( and that I'm being ditched entirely for another girl and what not....I'm a wreck. A total wreck.

Hey, Aden, at least you hear the voices less.

Update Again

I've been diagnosed with Non-Specific Psychosis--or, as it says on my discharge papers from the last hospital I was at, "Psychosis NOS". Now, I'm all curious and as a result I'm going to look that up when I get the chance to do so.

The program I am in now is alright. I can't say much about it because today was my first day and I don't go back until Monday, so....yea. I don't think I can say much without breaking confidentiality, so I won't say anything at all.

We'll see what happens, I'll keep you updated.

What's Happened to You?

Make a long story short. I've been in the hospital for a whole bunch of stuff.

Back in action for the rest of the week....now I just need to look up psychosis.

What Is Going On?

Today, yesterday and Sunday I swear I was going through something. It might have been withdrawal--I'm slightly addicted to cough drops. Or whatever else, but I was just....scared. I don't feel safe within me, I feel like I am losing my mind or something--I'm serious! This isn't normal, and I'm always cold and shaking now. It's only a matter of time until someone notices and decides that I should not be a part of society...

What....what's happened? [Update]

http://www.postpoems.com/members/fallen_warrior

You are strongly encouraged to click that link and read the poems in the folder entitled "Violations"

I'm sitting here in the middle of being extremely lost. It's like a puzzle, and I've only half the pieces. If I go to school I will surely die of extreme anxiety that is impossible to tell anyone about because it can be misseen--I will not post that here.

But, seriously, I spent a lot of time on Wikipedia looking up hysteria, anxiety and amnesia--because I remember that happened. I was hysterical beyond belief, and I don't understand why. Nothing on wikipedia matches the symptoms I've said. The only thing that might make sense was I believe Lacunar amnesia, loss of memory on one specific event--and looking back on that not even it makes sense because I don't have any recollection about anything really. About anything. I'm literally trying to reconstruct myself, and I don't find it to be easy. It's like...nothing makes sense, I don't remember almost anything. I barely remember who I am.

I'm very lucky all my passwords are the same...I just hope I remember the combination to my locker...

If you're reading this and you know me, you have anything to jog my memory, please just call or leave a comment and we will see what happens...if you think you know why this is happening, just leave me a comment on that too. Anything helps now.

This shouldn't be happening if I'm telling a friend a story. Sure, I've got nervousness about that, but never to the point where I'm losing my mind over it...that's un-Aden like, I think.

Back in Class....What's New?

Well, Friday I was back in school. It was kinda easy, but the shock I caused! I caused shock in Child Study (if you know me, or even just in general you know what this is) when I went for my meeting on Thursday--I had to attend that, I'm like 98% sure that it's law. I went, and my Case Manager was like "What happened?" and everything. So I told her. She was shocked. My English teacher, when I came in on Friday, was shocked. She looked horrified, actually. So much for the extension on the English essay, huh?

People--all the really immature ones, anyways--asked me about the fight and did I win. I don't give two shits about whether or not I won. Why is that so important these days? Chris R was ready to slaughter Lyndell though. I told him because I hadn't been in English for three days straight--and Chris R is one of those people who know me really well. So I told him. He didn't care whether or not I won--he wanted to serve justice.

All in all, it felt weird. Know what's weirder? Being in school, on school grounds, while you are suspended. That felt the weirdest....

What....what's happened?

I don't get it, last night I'm crawling up and down my walls, freaking out. I can kinda remember that, but nothing else when you stop & think about it. Like...what happened? Why did it happen?

That's all I think about these days...what's happened? I was surprised to see my phone when I hung up it said 1hour, 6minutes and 20seconds pretty much around 12am this morning. I had freaked out for the better part of thirty minutes. I don't understand it....it's weird, it's strange, it's never happened that bad before....and it's driving me up the wall because something's wrong with me and I don't know what.

Anxiety that bad.....never had it that bad before. Ever, in the past three years, unless you count the very first one, which was two hours long, but involving less hysteria. Just shredding paper. I don't do that now....not so much. It's frightening, I scared people--hell, I scare people as it is....this has never happened before. It's like I'm not even here anymore because I don't remember anything really. I'm disoriented. Whatever's happened in the past roughly 12hours I don't remember. I just have to listen to music to keep me sane otherwise I think it will be worse than that....

What's happened?

"The Masque of the Red Death"

"The Masque of the Red Death" by Edgar Allan Poe is a short story that takes place during the Middle Ages when the Bubonic Plague hits, leaving many people dead. The main character, Prince Prospero, decides to abandon his people, save for one thousand, and holds himself and the one thousand lucky in his abbey to try to "escape" Death. Symbolism is crucial to the theme of this story.

Seven pops up once in the story. The abbey that Prospero and the one thousand are staying in has seven rooms, all different colors--blue, purple, green, orange, white, violet and black. These could be all the stages that a person might go through in life before they die, with the ebony clock perhaps being Death's summoning. The clock and the "monotonous" sound it emits at every hour symbolizes how quickly life is passing and that we shouldn't take advantage of it--or try to escape it. These people knew that, and, as a result, they paused when ever the clock struck, however long it struck for. Poe even says himself when he is describing how everyone stops their "evolutions" just to "hearken the sound" and wonder....is this the last day that I am here?

When Death finally comes, he sees Prince Prospero and moves away, going towards the black room. Prospero, furious now at this....person who dares to disrupt the masquerade, chases after him to unmask him and hang him at sunrise. He chases him all the way to the black room, and Death ended up using his own weapon on Prospero, who is prostrate on the floor, dead. The masqueraders, coming to their senses more or less, rush towards Death...and they die. The blue room could symbolize the beginning of life, and black could symbolize it's end. The colors in the middle are just...the colors in the middle, the other stages that a person goes through before they die and are buried.

Day Three/iPod Update

Alright...suspension update first. 

Today's the last day before I go in for a full day tomorrow and do work and take my Science test (can we spell 'blegh"?) and what not. Everyone's surprised that I got suspended. Like...what the fuck? Aden got suspended? 

I would not be surprised if everything was burning to smithereens in P4 if that were the case. :)

We'll see what happens tomorrow in SI...because I won't fight the cunt anymore unless I have to--like he fucks with my brother. Then it's war, and I don't care if no college will take me then.

In other news....

I FOUND MY IPOD! HELL YES!

"How Could This Happen to Me?"

How am I supposed to survive this world without my pride and joy?

How am I supposed to survive the world without my iPod?

I've lost my iPod...my buddy. We've been through things....through Sean's stupidness....through Chris M's stupid speeches.....through those long walks around parks & to & from school....through being so upset I could just scream out some L'Âme Immortelle or Evanescence or what have you. Or through being so happy I could just sing "Silver Rain" (L'Âme Immortelle) over and over and over again. Where's that now?

Disappeared, beneath the shadows. What am I to do tonight?

I'll be depraved, nothing but a corpse with the inability to think. I'll go through withdrawal...again. Like the last time I lose my iPod back in September. Anxiety for a few days before I got it back...but, now I fear that I'll never get it back. I don't know where it's gone...and I can't find it!!! I need my iPod like people need a cure for AIDS, like third world countries are in desperate need of food, like people need shelter, like people---oh you get the fucking idea! I'm doomed, I'll spiral out of control--there's nothing in my ears to keep me sane except for when I stay home! The horror!

I'll keep you posted.

Suspension: Day 2

It wasn't so bad today. It won't be so bad tomorrow. Get to see the gang as well--they know who they are.

If Lyndell is expecting an apology, at the moment he is wishing for too much, despite the dream that I had. It was of him apologizing to me...and me doing the same. I meant it in my dream--as of right now I do not mean it, and I would be wasting my breath on saying I'm sorry right now. So I won't say it.

Punishments have no effect on me. I am apathetic about them.

Let's see how tomorrow goes.

On the First Day of Suspension....

Well, nothing happened much, really. I had to do a little manual labor today, and I'll probably have manual labor to do tomorrow. Thursday I get off because of my meeting (and as a result go to school twice :) fun). We'll see.

Have I learned my lesson? Maybe, because I might do it again. Lyndell has gotten off one time too many, and hopefully I was able to shrink his overgrown, prissy head. If not, well, then I'll just have to execute my story then, won't I? We'll see...because I've got the idea in my head, and I just have to post the fucker online...

His [Lyndell's] friend, Mariah, always said that one day I'd go off. Well, yesterday was that day. I don't take kindly to the fuckers who think they are so much better than everyone for one reason or another. I don't take it from anyone older than me...I don't take it from anyone younger than me [that girl in question knows who she is.]. I don't take it from anyone. 

Anyways, that's that. He's got it coming, and I'm coming in early to pick up some work....fun..oh well, we'll see what happens. I won't be surprised if all of my teachers sent me "What's happened?" notes. Again, we'll see....

Surreality

So, today was very, very weird. I got into a fight with Lyndell Fields--remember him? Anyways, it was kind of exhilarating to go and do that to the little fucker. He's had it coming. He's one of those people who might seem to have it coming from a lot of people. He's annoying like that.

So, anyways, he thought I called him a "freaking cunt." in Study Hall--like the tail end, the ass end of the period. Granted, the word is in my ever-extensive (not) vocabulary, but I don't go around using it unless I feel the very strong need to. I didn't today, but he [Lyndell] had said "Watch your goddamn mouth"--and I'll tell you right now, I don't watch nothing for supercilious fuckers. He mentioned the pretzel he was holding--he said that he was going to stick the pretzel up my ass. Nice move, Lyndell, nice move.

I called him a coward. By my definition, a coward is:

1. Someone who threatens a girl without cause

or

2. Someone who backs out on their word

And I told him that--been meaning to for a while now. I wasn't going to take his shit, so I pushed him out of my way, and he hit me. So, I rammed back up against him, next thing I know I was on the ground, and from an outsiders perspective, it might look like I'm blowing him through his pants--I wouldn't blow him if I had the chance. The bastard....

So I did what I could--don't have a scratch on me :D, but I have three days suspension. I'm only to come in on Wednesday and Thursday to pick up my work, and Thursday afternoon for my IEP meeting, then I'm not to talk to any student when I'm coming in for it...or out when I'm leaving.

To be honest with you, I don't think the Vice-Principal wanted to suspend me because I've not seen him all year--but he couldn't let me off, either. Unfortunately, this happens when I'm on the brink of losing credit in Gym....and IMO, but I've a better chance of escaping with a good mark in there than in Gym. 

So, that's that. I'm on suspension for fighting a fucker I would have fought no matter how you cut the cake. At least a few people I know will be glad not to see him.....I won't be surprised to see notes on all my work that say "What happened?" because everyone who knows me, knows that I'm not a troublemaker and that I'm an Angel. Heh, Angel my ass....I'm no Angel.

So, yeah. 3 days, not bad. My boyfriend, David, kinda went through the roof, I think. But I won't elaborate on that. Oh well.

Toodles, I suppose.

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Stumme Schreie"] (Single Version)

You know how when you haven't talked to someone in almost a million years, figuratively speaking, of course? Like, to the point where you have forgotten how to speak to them.

That happened to me. I was going through a miniature conversation I had with my friend this morning--around midnight--and I had realized that I did not ask him how he was doing...I thought what he said was how he was doing and, as a result, forgot to ask how he was...so I'm going to do that now. 

I wonder, now, how do you forget how to talk to someone, despite the fact that it has been a while?

Choices--We All Have Them

I'm actually listening to Jimmy Eat World ["May Angels Lead You In"] at the moment.

Choices--after what's going on, I think I just want to talk about them now or something to that effect.

Seriously, though, these choice things...we've all got them, we all just don't use them.

So, you could take a person who's got very "my kid has no say in his/her future" kind of parents. The dad is a sports fanatic, particularly lacrosse. He wants his son to take part in it in high school & onward to college and what not. 

Thing is though, this son has no interest in lacrosse whatsoever. He enjoys football a lot. When it comes time to ask him to sign the papers, his dad has a fit and punishes the son for following through his desires--exercising the choice to go with his heart, not with what his dad says.

Or, how about this?

Take the same dad, and the same son---just add a daughter, she wants to be a middle school science teacher, the mother wants for her to study law, so she arranges all of her classes. September comes, and this girl is pissed, so she goes to her Guidance counselor, complaining about her classes. She's got a choice--to stick with the schedule her mom planned out, riddled with classes she would never take [save for the ones she needs to take], or to try and change this schedule and get somethings that she will enjoy doing.

Now, the kids don't plot the parents murder, but, do you see where I am getting with this? Naïvety or not, everyone has a choice--to make or receive a call, to keep or change a schedule, or to just simply follow your heart--the possibilities are endless.

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Silver Rain"]

Okay, so this is nothing--and I do mean nothing--new for you. I mean, get real, I'm seventeen. What do we know?

Anyways, I think my friend Chris (R) is acting a bit odd towards me lately. Maybe it is because he is not feeling well, but he's acting odd, I think. Sure, he gave me the semi-obligatory gum ninth period--but he ditched me today! Yesterday was nothing, sure, he's got a girlfriend to attend to, and I get that....but what happened to your friends? There's a group of Freshmen (his "Pet Freshmen" he calls them) he hangs out with every single day during our lunch period--and he wasn't with them all period, he wasn't even in the cafeteria. That's something, something's up with Chris. I don't think his girl is behind it--what can she do? If she's jealous of me, she needn't be--I won't steal Chris away from her. I've got more pride than that. I really, truly think I do. He thinks he's sick--but why shouldn't he say hi, or apologize for when he ditches me?

Like, I am not really, really mad about it, because it's happened before and I think I've started to become immune to being left behind. I just wonder why Chris is acting so different and abandoning his friends? Are we not good enough for him anymore?

[In This Moment/"Prayers"]

Right, I told you I'd be back in a moment. This'll be just a quickie I suppose because I'll be leaving in a bit.

You know how it feels when someone isn't there in your life anymore for one reason or another, and it really, really hits home, like a bullet ripping through flesh (crap analogy, let's keep going...)?

That's how I feel. I feel numb, cold, a void just taking up space. I am literally just walking, talking flesh. I don't think I can feel much these days. I just feel empty, like a void. There's nothing for me it seems.

*****This is not a suicide note. I don't do that stuff online*****

In This Moment/"When the Storm Subsides"]

Wow, today I was midly angry and very, very sad. A lot can contribute to that these days. Like, the smallest thing can set me off these days. Like, everything to poetry to working on something to things people say. I'm very...not Aden right now, and it's hard to deal with, what with everything else. 

But, seriously though, very small things can send me crying or screaming or hitting my locker. My friend Chris R had to go see his girlfriend--which was fine & I told him so when he apologized to me in ninth period English class--but I didn't know that earlier. See, we have this thing (so I don't feel entirely left out & because I'm one of Chris' friends) where we go up to meet his girlfriend before sixth period (Lunch is fifth). I don't have a problem with his girlfriend, but that's his girlfriend for crying out loud. I don't meddle in people's love affairs unless I am asked to do so or something warrants an investigation and I'm trying to find out what's going on with my friend. Then, probably as a last resort, I will go to my friend's significant others. That's another Aden thing, I suppose. I try not to meddle in others' affairs. And yet I want to study law or psychology, both of which deal with people's issues. Heh.

I'm hitting lockers because hitting people has lost its satisfaction. I'll be honest with you. I've hit a few people this year--about five or so, and I've kicked one person. I do it when teachers aren't looking because most teachers don't notice what I'm doing; I'm a good student to them and them finding out that I've hit people is like....a straight A-student for his entire school career working at a mediocre place like McDonald's when he's thirty. That shouldn't happen because it's just wrong and uncool (yet the wrong and uncool happen anyways. Life's mean like that.). But...seriously. You know what I did after Chris R told me that he was sorry for leaving me? I cried, just a bit. I cried. Everything just seems impossible to do and a nightmare to even attempt. I left my IMO class because I wouldn't do my test--yet I would willingly do my Health paper on anxiety disorders. Just so you know, I think I've got them, so this is good for all of us to learn a little something about that. I've been told that I have a anxiety disorder from Chris M (most everyone I know is named Chris...please bear with me.) on 5 December 2004. He's got about the same thing. He has panic attacks. But I'll leave you alone on this for right now because I've got more thoughts poring in and I don't want to put them here and have your eyes hurt even more.

I'll be back in a moment. Comments are nice but not required.

[Tribal Ink/"Refugee"]

Ever since my friend's death, I've been an absolute mess. Sure, my boyfriend, David, has been there (and for this I thank him) and my other friend (who I sometimes can not stand. His name is also Chris.) as well. But I'm screwed up inside, and it's not because of PMS or what have you. I have never ever felt like this before. 

Anxiety, anger and sadness and extreme happiness all take turns in this. It's like a cycle. I think they are mood swings, but hey, I'm not qualified for that. I'm no Freud or who-have-you. But, I don't think that this is normal in any case. Seriously. Like Sunday I was extremely happy, Monday I was extremely upset with mild anger & anxiety and today, Tuesday, I felt extreme happiness again before I fell asleep (talking to my boyfriend no less), then I felt a little anxiety. No anger though (unless you count the five minutes staring at Chris Raymond's Freshman table and thinking about how odd it was that he was not there...). Nothing extreme like hitting, kicking and slamming the lockers at my school or yelling at Lyndell and saying that he is supercilious (I learned that word from reading The Great Gatsby in English class--we just finished that book a bit ago. Now we're doing poetry & stuff) or what have you. 

But, anyways, yesterday (before Chris M comes by). I was already upset to begin with. Then that went away, and I was extremely angry in Health class....and then in Math I just cried. My case manager telling me I did not get extended time pushed me over the edge. I almost cried in History. I wanted to die wholeheartedly. I couldn't do this.

And with that, I leave you.

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Forgive Me"]

Okay, fine. It was the first song I could think of. I'm just here to let everyone who reads this (no one) that I'm still here. Just busy with stuff and life and everything.

Today in Gym was a day of apathy. After yesterday I felt like I needed it. The only reason I did Gym and let my feet carry themselves over there on my way to from the CVS (a major Nottingham hangout...and you really shouldn't hang out there because the store people get mad (I've witnessed this--today actually, just as I was going in with my six dollars and change to buy a Powerade that was going to cost me less than what I had (in a good way).) was because I heard the five minute bell--I don't ignore that unless I'm not around. Today I was--and I really can't afford another late, sit out or absence (I'll be absent on the sixteenth to go to the dentist--cringe.). The dentist will be my ninth (I oversleep, and where I am 3 lates=1 absence, and if there's one thing I"m not it's on time. Seriously). Then I'll have to come to school every stinking day--at least for Gym--and sweat my ass off.

Let me tell you how in hell I ended up in a first period underclassmen (yes, if you wanted to look at it a certain way I am an underclassmen too...but this is like underclassmen that makes me feel old and ancient.) Physical Education class.

Last year I come here--new, fresh from Lawrence High (having missed about three weeks spent on talking to my friends who have either left me or are in College now.). Do Gym--fucking pool and all those unprepareds in Flag Football--ick. No--it was annoying and I was going through some stuff at the time (like newschoololdfacephobia???), so I stopped Gym for a while. I stopped for too long. The result. 10th grade gym---ick. ick ick.

I should get out of here though. I have Health.

What I came here to say was why are people just so annoying stupid? Seriously. It's just...annoying. We had a quiz yesterday. I took mine home. It was a history quiz. The person next to me forgot their notes and tried to mooch off mine and I told him no.

More on that later. I have to go. I don't want to.

And just so people know--L's getting it.

30-3-08 [L'Ame Immortelle/"Life will never be the same again"]

She sits, thinking about you

The ice cream bar in her hand

Music shining through the night, like a beacon

She sits, thinking about you still

The ice cream bar melts down her arm

Stickying her fingers, hiding the nail polish

The juices run down her arm in a frenzy

She doesn't notice, she's thinking about you the whole time

For David

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Forgive Me"]

Every sound sends a shiver down my spine

I think my phone is vibrating, when it is a sound from my brother's room

I think I can hear my computer pinging (in some cases it is) when it is just my music

Or sounds in the living room

I'm in love with you, and ordinary sounds sound frightening

They don't sound like what they should

Or they do, but I've come so accustomed to the sounds that most things sound like them now

And I never sleep, up waiting for you and my music there's really no need

I'm content, even if I do fall asleep, waking only for a text message or two

I'd give almost anything just for a bit of reality, just to hear your voice

I know what's going on, but the knowing doesn't keep me from wanting

Keep me steady, keep me sane

I go blank when I run out of things and don't know what to say

But, I can't sleep, I don't want to sleep and break the spells that linger

I skated two days ago, and for the time I had wheels beneath me, it was weird, I felt uneven

Skating up and down, and down and up

At the end I sit next to a friend, completely out of the loop

My mind thinking only about you and what happened before I let myself skate up and down and back in a skirt, my phone not very far from me

Wanting to stay in touch with you

I'd give almost anything just to call you again, but I can't

And you know I can't, it kills me

Every sound I hear sends a shiver down my spine

I think my phone is vibrating, when it's just noise from my brother's room

I think I hear my computer pinging (in some cases it is) when it is just my music

Or sounds in the living room

I'm content, awake or asleep, waiting for a text message or two

The others should be coming in a day or two.

For David

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Judgement"[as performed by Faith and the Muse]]II

Have you ever had that zoomy feeling when you're giddy, or just ever?

If so, perhaps you might relate. If not...maybe read on?

This zoomy feeling is weird and tends to come when you're scared, in love, or giddy. You feel like the world might be spinning way too fast and nothing might make sense. You spin, and it tends to be a pleasant feeling, save for when you're scared. I think I'm having this feeling. I think, and I have this feeling. I guess it's a good thing.

I wonder where this feeling will lead me?

In Strictest Confidence [Evanescence/"Anywhere"]

For Christian Marchetti...unless my business must be told, whatever I tell you is in confidence. Therefore, you need to keep your mouth shut.

I told you this
In strictest Confidence
And you're dropping bombs about it
I told you this
Only to be shot down
In strictest Confidence I told you this
And it means absolutely nothing to you

So much for that...in strictest confidence

[Evanescence/"Anywhere"]

I wondered how long it would be before the ink sets down and dries
I now wonder how long it would be before the tears fell

You break my confidence and now you break me
Take the fragile material and rip it up and tear it down
These words don't approximate my feelings, no matter how wretched they are
I don't think my words do--approximate my feelings

There's all the pretending, the circulating of letters and words
Most of them fictitcious and cruel
No one really knows the full story, no one bothers to ask
And I can't be bothered with the "deaf"
That is, the people who can hear and won't bother comprehending

People constantly condemn in supercilious tones and it
Kills me

I want for you to come and find me
And take me to where you live, to the beach and just stay with me
Even though dependence is my undoing

I want to be free, I've always wanted to be free
Free of what Society says
Following my will...not God's

I stopped because it wasn't for me
The singing and the what not
Feeling a sense of unease
I left

Where are you when I need you, Dear?
I love you, I miss you
Please, won't you find me?

[Casting Crowns/"Does Anybody Hear Her"]

I know this is a "Christian" band, but over a year ago I found this song via a mention of it in someone's poem. The song doesn't seem that way, though. The following is NOT a suicide note (why in hell would I put that on a site no one might ever see??), but simply emotions.

No one really truly sees me
All they see are the negative things
And nothing positive
Nothing truly worth remembering
Nothing significant
Just music that makes people's ears rot

I just wish that they could see the kind of person that thrives
Underneath the black disposition and behind blue glasses
I seem to fall behind, and never catch up
And why should I, really?
So I can be mocked?

There is no Prince Charming
Nothing of the sort here
Not in my immediate vicinity
He's in a faraway land, too far for comfort

I just have to wonder if it's worth it sometimes
To continue fighting through
I know people who don't want to see me drown
But they can't see through my mask
Can they?

What are your closest friends if they can't see through the mascara
The bronzer, the blush, the lipstick and the tan? (There's more to it)
Beneath that is the breaking, the creaking, the shrieking and the crying
Floors below, the lower the sadder and twice as desolate

I can't wait, and trust is a miniature option
The pen moves, just as the tears down my face and the
Gun through my hands, kissing my temple
Thumb on the trigger
They course down my face in rivers
Hand quivering
The trigger pulled, the sound never heard
And there I am, in a better place

My pain's over, my searching done
Nothing to remember her by

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Calling"] II

I also wrote this in SI

"Can you hear (can you hear) me calling?
(Are you listening to me?)
Can you see (can you see) me falling?"

Perfect blue tears fall from bright green eyes
He'll meet his doom, leaving her like that
Her world shattered, the rain pelting her as she walked
Vengeance

I loved you, why can't you return the favor?
I saw you a long time ago, and i loved you then
I still do. I still do.

Section in quotes is "Calling" by L'Ame Immortelle.

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Calling"]

This is a poem I wrote in SI today.

"Can you hear me calling
Are you listening to me
Can you see me falling
Or are you too blind to see?"

I want you to find me
Or i just want you to try
There is everything, falling apart
I don't want to do this--I can't move, feeling like lead

There's no way you can see me
There no way you know or hear
I tried, I waited
I called, I failed
And I died. Their Christ.