School :)

School starts in just a few more days & I'm ready to go!

Days go by and I don't remember you

I don't remember a thing

I look around at the things that were once familiar to me

I know that this isn't easy for either one of us

And we both know that I need help

Real help

But where can I get that help from?

The song plays in my head

And I still don't remember

Who are you? What is this? Where am I?

And the voices

They drive me up the wall and won't leave me alone

You know?

Where can I get the help I need when there's nowhere to turn

No place left to go

I don't want to ask you to help me because you helped me enough

Yet there's no place else to go

Anxiety builds up

And releases at the most inopportune times

In front of my friend, for instance

I now hope he doesn't think I'm a freak

He says I scare him somewhat

I was afraid of that

But I needed to know so I can..

Never Mind

You wouldn't get it

I know you wouldn't get it

I'm afraid of just about everything that goes on

And I'm afraid to be out after five pm

My friend understands this to some extent

I don't understand why I am so afraid of things now

Strangers tell me who I am and what I've recently done

Strangers are the ones who are telling me that I'm Aden

I'm seventeen

I'm out of the loop

As is the norm these days

At least for me anyways

Time goes by and I lose my friends

The people that mean the entire world to me

And I am all alone

Just wanting

Wishing 

Waiting

For someone to come and find me again

23-8-08 [Update]

My memory's coming back with my friend's (David's) help. My fire alarm went off this morning and it bugged me out. And last night wasn't good either because I nearly broke down in front of my soon-to-be boyfriend (we're waiting until I'm 18). The voices/noises in my head are really starting to get to me. I don't want to go back to the hospital. No no no! I mean, the last hospital I was in was okay..but i don't want to go back anyways. People were nice, but I don't want to go back to the hospital. If my therapist saw that she'd want to send me to the hospital in a jiffy and most likely without my consent because I would be in a state of turmoil and couldn't speak proper English, if I could speak at all. I remember the first time I was being sent to the hospital. My mom and dad had a fight in front of me and I couldn't deal so I hid underneath my blanket. I couldn't get my thoughts across, really. And it was frightening for me. because I had never done this before. I'd been in an ambulance once when I was 8 because of a bus driver closed the door on my arm (Honest to goodness I did not feel that.), but I somewhat remember that. I remember this recent occurrence very well, thankees much.

But...I'm afraid now that it will happen again. I had dreams of being in the hospital--is this a sign that I have to go back? I just might go back anyways because I don't want to put my soon-to-be boyfriend through this madness. He wouldn't understand, and I won't tell you why he won't understand here.

Updating Once Again

So yesterday I had an appointment with a therapist. The only thing I know is that I'm going to start "officially" start seeing her the day before school starts (School starts on 3 September; I see her on the 2nd.) Things went okay. My mom came with me so...yea. It was okay. We'll just see what happens next.

Enjoy, 

Aden

I'm Alive....I'm Alive!

Just letting you know I'm still alive. No nightmares....now I'm just afraid to leave my house after 5pm.

I have an appointment tomorrow that I'm going to that will help me deal with this stuff.

--Aden

Poem for 5-8-08

Things seem to have gotten worse
I'm afraid to step out of my house
I'm afraid to sleep and dream
So I stay in and stay up, slowly consumed by fear
A fear of being kidnapped
A fear of being raped
A fear of being shot

I think that people--ordinary people--are out to hurt me
And I get scared and play fucked up scenarios in my head
Scenarios that will eventually leave me chained to my apartment

And things don't get better at night, either
At night I'm trying to avoid nightmares
Wanting dreamless sleep
Craving it like Vanilla ice cream
Wanting it like money
Wanting a dreamless sleep

So, you see, things have gotten worse
I'm afraid to sleep, and I'm afraid to leave my house
It's just one big mess

The Last Days of Summer--Day 32

Well, in dear ol' America (and other parts of the world), it's August 1, 2008--and that means school, if it hasn't started already, will be starting soon (I know a girl who goes back to school on August 11--that's before most of my friends (I'm pretty sure) head back to their dorms and the like). In about thirty days we go back and live amongst the books and our friends we haven't seen in three months...and of course that means things start to become interesting again.

Hopefully. I mean, I'll be living in my psychology book for half the year, and then I'll drown myself in my Sociology book the other half of the year. My English book will always be lugged home, along with my Geometry, Spanish III and German I books. And my health book in the Spring :) Yay! (I'm being semi-sarcastic)

So, until I'm actually back in school, I might be talking about it a bit too much. In that case, just tell me to take a chill pill, I'll be back before I know it and blah, blah, blah. :)

In Other News...

No nightmares :)