No nightmares last night, scared earlier this afternoon for no reason that I know of or remember....and why am I so freaked to tell one of my best friends this. I mean, it's not like he won't be there for me, because he will. It's just like...oh, I don't know why I'm so freaked out to tell him about this. I feel like that there is (and I know I've said this once before) no one around. I know people are, but I don't like dragging people down with my problems and issues and things, especially since that is all I seem to have these days. Problem on top of problem on top of problem. If I'm not anxious, I'm hearing voices; if I'm not hearing voices, then I'm freaked at the prospect of going outside, afraid that I'll be shot or kidnapped or what have you. So, I keep my problems inside, knowing that there are people who want to help, and they know who they are, and I know they mean well. But it's like...I want them to know the happy things about me too, and right now I don't think I know how to let people in on both and let them know when I am having a problem and when there's a whole bunch of good going on as well, you know?
I don't know if it is just me, but in the end....Look at me, I'm a mess. I can't even leave my house without thinking that I will be hurt now, and I don't know how to communicate that to my friends just yet. I mean, I told one of my closest friends I'd keep him updated, but I'm afraid to tell him this..and why should I be afraid to--my friends are all nice enough and everything. So...why? Why am I afraid to confide in my friends when I probably need them the most?
comments appreciated
30 July 2008
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