Update for 29 September 2008...Part 2?

I'm almost out of Abilify which isn't good. My appointment at the Bermingham Clinic got cancelled...which isn't good because the two are connected. :'( I didn't have to go to school today and when I told Colin about it he basically was like "Why?"

I'm having an okay day so far. How are you?

Update for 29 September 2008

So I've just about finished my first month of school for my Senior year and I'm okay with that because it means I'm one month closer to graduation (w00t!) and college. To be honest, I'm excited and afraid of going to college. I'm excited because I'll be on my own. I won't have to hear my mother and sister fight over the remote (playfully...but those shrill voices make me want to slaughter them.) But I'm scared at the same time to be out on my own. I'm afraid of the world and everything in it. All the bad guys. Maybe I've been reading too much news and the like, but that's how I feel at this point in time. Hopefully that outlook will change. I would sincerely like for that outlook to change because I know I can't walk around for the rest of my life afraid at everything. I know that, I think I realize that. Maybe I don't 'cause if I did, I wouldn't be writing things like that, I don't think. You know?

But, other than that, it's Mid-Marking Period and reports are coming in the mail. Minus the Psychology paper I did not do on a mental health career (mostly because I could not find ANYTHING I could use. :( ), I'm doing pretty damn okay in school. Mentally...well, put like this. 35mgs of Thorazine works because I'm not hearing the voices anymore (least not at this moment as I'm typing...or all day for the last few days....the people I know should be glad to hear that.) It's also HSPA (High School Proficiency Assessment) make up week this week. Students who did not take or failed parts of the HSPA have this week to make it up or get a better grade. As a result, most kids in my English class were not there. Everyone was there in my Geometry class, but everyone in my Geometry class are Sophomores, Juniors and Seniors. In fact, I think I am one of the few Seniors in my Geometry class. In the minority. Just like in German class. I'm one of the oldest in my class. There's another seventeen year old, but I don't know when his birthday is. :( I'd like to know if I'm the oldest out of everyone (next to Frau Charlesworth) there. 

Speaking of German, I got a C on my test (27/35 points). Not bad. A friend of mine would have hit the roof if he found out I got a C. I think he thinks I'm super girl or something like that and expects me to make all A's--not impossible, but still....a C is passing in my opinion (and in my mother's). I think that you just have to try hard enough to pass. If you want more, you go for more. It's that simple.

On Friday we played volleyball because it was wet and disgusting outside to play softball (thank goodness...I don't like softball in the slightest. Don't ask me why I signed up. Maybe it's because I needed to do something in Gym before I flunked out.

And speaking of Gym, I've been crying a lot in that class. I don't know if it is a side effect of 35mgs of Thorazine (I'll have to look that up) or my Abilify...or it's just because I'm a bit off like that. It's around the same time everyday lately--around 2pm or so. And people are just like "Why are you crying?" and it's just like....I don't know why I'm crying, I just know I am. And it's not cool at all. Nope, I don't think so. I cried in Volleyball on Friday, and I don't know why. I cried the first week of Gym, and I don't know why. I cried in softball, and I don't know why. I once cried in Geometry, and I don't know why. I don't know why I'm in this crying state of mind. Maybe it's because Mr. Pursell was going too fast for my liking? Maybe it's because I just felt the need to cry. Why, though? Why, why, why? What can I do to stop it from falling apart and to keep me from unraveling anymore than I am. I mean, I can't drop out of school.....as much as I love my mother, I want my kids to have better than I had. Living in and out of hotel rooms and constantly moving. I don't want for my kids to go through that, you know?

I'm glad if you made it this far down. Congrats :) This is a long blog, but I just kept on typing and typing.

Minus the fact that I won't go to bed until after 10:30 pm, I'm doing pretty okay, minus the crying.

My Prized Possessions

I left my journal and my story notebook in my psychologist's office...I really need those back. They're my babies!!!!!!!!

I'll keep you updated as this story progresses. 

Update for 17 September 2008

So I've been a little anxious lately, but I guess that's alright. My English grade is starting to slip because I can't get any work done (because I'm so sleepy and my brain is not working with me). Luckily, my teacher is giving me extra time to make up the work I can't seem to do in class. Journal entries. You'd think that this would be easy for someone who writes and blogs most of the time, right?

Wrong. This [the English journal assignment] does not come easy to me at all. I find it impossible to get out a topic sentence, let alone five of them. Or seven of them. That's hard to me, so I request that I take it home and do it after I have gotten some sleep, you know?

I'm not so scared to go to sleep anymore, but I won't go to bed while my screensaver is running or before 10:30. For some reason, if you have my way of thinking, that seems pretty logical to me. I don't think it would make sense to other people, but it's out there now, and I'm not taking it back.

Goodnight.

Update for 14 September 2008

I got into Geometry! Yay! But it's hard, though. All of those angles and what not kinda drive me up the wall...and I am determined to pass Geometry...even if I have to take the final to do so! (At my school if you pass the midterm and do well in the third and fourth marking periods you don't have to take the final...but that's only for Seniors and full year classes only) I'm not giving up on Geometry, no no no! I'll ask my teacher for help (and I don't do that often! No seriously I really don't. I'm just odd like that.) if need be. That's how it will be. I don't mind staying after school for help..because we all know I'll probably be needing it.

German, English and Psychology are my favorite classes despite the fact that after second period starts and I get mid-way through the period I'm ready to go to sleep because I have to take Thorazine in the morning time...35mg of it (it used to be 25mg) and I don't like it, but we (the friends who know and my family) want the voices to go away and stay away, you know? 

My therapy so far is going alright...I see her again on this coming Tuesday @ 4:00pm. And then I might see my old psychologist on Friday. So I think that this will be an eventful week.

Now if only I could not cry in Physical Education class...that would be sweet. :) My gym teacher has all my unit (every marking period there are four units that you can choose from....separate from your "grade level" teacher) teachers looking out for me, making sure I don't break down (again). I don't understand why this is happening to me anyway. Maybe it's PMS or maybe it's part of my problems (the doctor I see who prescribes my medications says that we can rule out Bipolar disorder because I don't exhibit any of the symptoms of it....)

But...yea, 12th grade is pretty okay. My sister is a Freshman and were in the same school with my brother who's a Sophomore. What's annoying is that I have to walk my sister to school everyday. One of these days my brother's going to do it. I know it because I can't take it anymore. I just can't. Sometimes it sucks to be the oldest. Why? Because I'm the one stuck with everything! But hey, least I get to graduate first. :)

How's Senior Year Going?

Senior year is going alright, thanks for asking.

I take (and this is in the process of changing):

Math (changing to Geometry)

English

Creative Writing

American Law

German 1 (so far this is easy)

Psychology

Sociology

Phys Ed

Health 

Just oodles of fun. I like English the best so far...and then Psychology & everything else is lumped together. :) I have a long paper due for my Psych teacher at the end of the semester...so maybe I should start that now. lol