Update for 8 November 2008

Just dropping in to let people know I'm still alive..just SWARMED with work and trying to keep everything in tact.

More to come..maybe.

Well...

It's almost Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas time, and that means I get really down during those three holidays and that'll get me all the way up to my eighteenth birthday (6/February). Let's see....on Halloween I can be found crying because it's almost Thanksgiving and because a person I thought I love couldn't trust me enough to tell me that there was a rumour going around that I had been kissing him in the boys' locker room. (I wouldn't mind taking a peek in there, but stilll). Between Thanksgiving and Christmas I'll start crying because it's Thanksgiving and nearly Christmas and I get really down on myself...probably because around that time I wanted to die. I mean, I wrote my will and everything. But moving on....and once Christmas hits town I'm done for until my birthday, as I said.

But yea....I'm doing well in my classes and I know I got a decent grade on my German test so I'm all yes! :)

Now on Tuesday I just have to play catch up in my classes. If the pep-rallies didn't bore the bejesus out of me I'd've went to school that day...seriously!

How are you?

Update for 3 October 2008

I keep forgetting to tell you that i got back my Journal and Story notebook on Thursday last. :) I haven't been writing in it much due to school work, but I'm trying to keep up as much as I can.

I fell asleep in the middle of my American Law homework and woke up at 12:08 am this morning...and woke up at 6:30 am this morning. So I didn't get much sleep. I didn't finish my Geometry test or my English homework for that matter, you know?

Being on Medication is hard. :(

You Know What's Über-Annoying?

Is when I talk to a friend of mine and no matter how long I wait he seldom ever responds. I mean we [somehow] got a conversation rolling on Saturday but now...are we really meant to be friends. I wonder about the same thing with my other friend on Facebook...but with him it's like so long as he's logging in and doing something be it join a group, add a friend, etc then I'm pretty okay. But with this other friend....I've known him for what feels like the longest time and just recently we don't talk and fiddle around with the smilies as much as we used to, you know? I've known both of these people for the longest time and neither one of them are talking to me for reasons I don't understand and it's making me feel like I've done something wrong with both of them. I'd like to know what it is but I am afraid to ask them for fear that they might be mad at me...or more so if they're already mad. What have I done? One friend I just talk to and the other I sent a quote that he seemed to take well in my opinion. So...I don't know what the problem is. I wish I knew so I can rectify this mess....if it really is a mess. And if it's not a mess and it's a case of them not wanting to be my friend anymore, then I'll be devastated because I miss them both like crazy...have for quite some time. But I think I know why one of them is not talking to me and I hope it's not because that one of my friends has a girlfriend that he talks to, I'm betting, on a daily basis. I wish he talked to me like he talks to her. :(

Other than that, there's nothing big going on, minus my medication.

Update for 29 September 2008...Part 2?

I'm almost out of Abilify which isn't good. My appointment at the Bermingham Clinic got cancelled...which isn't good because the two are connected. :'( I didn't have to go to school today and when I told Colin about it he basically was like "Why?"

I'm having an okay day so far. How are you?

Update for 29 September 2008

So I've just about finished my first month of school for my Senior year and I'm okay with that because it means I'm one month closer to graduation (w00t!) and college. To be honest, I'm excited and afraid of going to college. I'm excited because I'll be on my own. I won't have to hear my mother and sister fight over the remote (playfully...but those shrill voices make me want to slaughter them.) But I'm scared at the same time to be out on my own. I'm afraid of the world and everything in it. All the bad guys. Maybe I've been reading too much news and the like, but that's how I feel at this point in time. Hopefully that outlook will change. I would sincerely like for that outlook to change because I know I can't walk around for the rest of my life afraid at everything. I know that, I think I realize that. Maybe I don't 'cause if I did, I wouldn't be writing things like that, I don't think. You know?

But, other than that, it's Mid-Marking Period and reports are coming in the mail. Minus the Psychology paper I did not do on a mental health career (mostly because I could not find ANYTHING I could use. :( ), I'm doing pretty damn okay in school. Mentally...well, put like this. 35mgs of Thorazine works because I'm not hearing the voices anymore (least not at this moment as I'm typing...or all day for the last few days....the people I know should be glad to hear that.) It's also HSPA (High School Proficiency Assessment) make up week this week. Students who did not take or failed parts of the HSPA have this week to make it up or get a better grade. As a result, most kids in my English class were not there. Everyone was there in my Geometry class, but everyone in my Geometry class are Sophomores, Juniors and Seniors. In fact, I think I am one of the few Seniors in my Geometry class. In the minority. Just like in German class. I'm one of the oldest in my class. There's another seventeen year old, but I don't know when his birthday is. :( I'd like to know if I'm the oldest out of everyone (next to Frau Charlesworth) there. 

Speaking of German, I got a C on my test (27/35 points). Not bad. A friend of mine would have hit the roof if he found out I got a C. I think he thinks I'm super girl or something like that and expects me to make all A's--not impossible, but still....a C is passing in my opinion (and in my mother's). I think that you just have to try hard enough to pass. If you want more, you go for more. It's that simple.

On Friday we played volleyball because it was wet and disgusting outside to play softball (thank goodness...I don't like softball in the slightest. Don't ask me why I signed up. Maybe it's because I needed to do something in Gym before I flunked out.

And speaking of Gym, I've been crying a lot in that class. I don't know if it is a side effect of 35mgs of Thorazine (I'll have to look that up) or my Abilify...or it's just because I'm a bit off like that. It's around the same time everyday lately--around 2pm or so. And people are just like "Why are you crying?" and it's just like....I don't know why I'm crying, I just know I am. And it's not cool at all. Nope, I don't think so. I cried in Volleyball on Friday, and I don't know why. I cried the first week of Gym, and I don't know why. I cried in softball, and I don't know why. I once cried in Geometry, and I don't know why. I don't know why I'm in this crying state of mind. Maybe it's because Mr. Pursell was going too fast for my liking? Maybe it's because I just felt the need to cry. Why, though? Why, why, why? What can I do to stop it from falling apart and to keep me from unraveling anymore than I am. I mean, I can't drop out of school.....as much as I love my mother, I want my kids to have better than I had. Living in and out of hotel rooms and constantly moving. I don't want for my kids to go through that, you know?

I'm glad if you made it this far down. Congrats :) This is a long blog, but I just kept on typing and typing.

Minus the fact that I won't go to bed until after 10:30 pm, I'm doing pretty okay, minus the crying.

My Prized Possessions

I left my journal and my story notebook in my psychologist's office...I really need those back. They're my babies!!!!!!!!

I'll keep you updated as this story progresses.