"How Could This Happen to Me?"

How am I supposed to survive this world without my pride and joy?

How am I supposed to survive the world without my iPod?

I've lost my iPod...my buddy. We've been through things....through Sean's stupidness....through Chris M's stupid speeches.....through those long walks around parks & to & from school....through being so upset I could just scream out some L'Âme Immortelle or Evanescence or what have you. Or through being so happy I could just sing "Silver Rain" (L'Âme Immortelle) over and over and over again. Where's that now?

Disappeared, beneath the shadows. What am I to do tonight?

I'll be depraved, nothing but a corpse with the inability to think. I'll go through withdrawal...again. Like the last time I lose my iPod back in September. Anxiety for a few days before I got it back...but, now I fear that I'll never get it back. I don't know where it's gone...and I can't find it!!! I need my iPod like people need a cure for AIDS, like third world countries are in desperate need of food, like people need shelter, like people---oh you get the fucking idea! I'm doomed, I'll spiral out of control--there's nothing in my ears to keep me sane except for when I stay home! The horror!

I'll keep you posted.

Suspension: Day 2

It wasn't so bad today. It won't be so bad tomorrow. Get to see the gang as well--they know who they are.

If Lyndell is expecting an apology, at the moment he is wishing for too much, despite the dream that I had. It was of him apologizing to me...and me doing the same. I meant it in my dream--as of right now I do not mean it, and I would be wasting my breath on saying I'm sorry right now. So I won't say it.

Punishments have no effect on me. I am apathetic about them.

Let's see how tomorrow goes.

On the First Day of Suspension....

Well, nothing happened much, really. I had to do a little manual labor today, and I'll probably have manual labor to do tomorrow. Thursday I get off because of my meeting (and as a result go to school twice :) fun). We'll see.

Have I learned my lesson? Maybe, because I might do it again. Lyndell has gotten off one time too many, and hopefully I was able to shrink his overgrown, prissy head. If not, well, then I'll just have to execute my story then, won't I? We'll see...because I've got the idea in my head, and I just have to post the fucker online...

His [Lyndell's] friend, Mariah, always said that one day I'd go off. Well, yesterday was that day. I don't take kindly to the fuckers who think they are so much better than everyone for one reason or another. I don't take it from anyone older than me...I don't take it from anyone younger than me [that girl in question knows who she is.]. I don't take it from anyone. 

Anyways, that's that. He's got it coming, and I'm coming in early to pick up some work....fun..oh well, we'll see what happens. I won't be surprised if all of my teachers sent me "What's happened?" notes. Again, we'll see....

Surreality

So, today was very, very weird. I got into a fight with Lyndell Fields--remember him? Anyways, it was kind of exhilarating to go and do that to the little fucker. He's had it coming. He's one of those people who might seem to have it coming from a lot of people. He's annoying like that.

So, anyways, he thought I called him a "freaking cunt." in Study Hall--like the tail end, the ass end of the period. Granted, the word is in my ever-extensive (not) vocabulary, but I don't go around using it unless I feel the very strong need to. I didn't today, but he [Lyndell] had said "Watch your goddamn mouth"--and I'll tell you right now, I don't watch nothing for supercilious fuckers. He mentioned the pretzel he was holding--he said that he was going to stick the pretzel up my ass. Nice move, Lyndell, nice move.

I called him a coward. By my definition, a coward is:

1. Someone who threatens a girl without cause

or

2. Someone who backs out on their word

And I told him that--been meaning to for a while now. I wasn't going to take his shit, so I pushed him out of my way, and he hit me. So, I rammed back up against him, next thing I know I was on the ground, and from an outsiders perspective, it might look like I'm blowing him through his pants--I wouldn't blow him if I had the chance. The bastard....

So I did what I could--don't have a scratch on me :D, but I have three days suspension. I'm only to come in on Wednesday and Thursday to pick up my work, and Thursday afternoon for my IEP meeting, then I'm not to talk to any student when I'm coming in for it...or out when I'm leaving.

To be honest with you, I don't think the Vice-Principal wanted to suspend me because I've not seen him all year--but he couldn't let me off, either. Unfortunately, this happens when I'm on the brink of losing credit in Gym....and IMO, but I've a better chance of escaping with a good mark in there than in Gym. 

So, that's that. I'm on suspension for fighting a fucker I would have fought no matter how you cut the cake. At least a few people I know will be glad not to see him.....I won't be surprised to see notes on all my work that say "What happened?" because everyone who knows me, knows that I'm not a troublemaker and that I'm an Angel. Heh, Angel my ass....I'm no Angel.

So, yeah. 3 days, not bad. My boyfriend, David, kinda went through the roof, I think. But I won't elaborate on that. Oh well.

Toodles, I suppose.

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Stumme Schreie"] (Single Version)

You know how when you haven't talked to someone in almost a million years, figuratively speaking, of course? Like, to the point where you have forgotten how to speak to them.

That happened to me. I was going through a miniature conversation I had with my friend this morning--around midnight--and I had realized that I did not ask him how he was doing...I thought what he said was how he was doing and, as a result, forgot to ask how he was...so I'm going to do that now. 

I wonder, now, how do you forget how to talk to someone, despite the fact that it has been a while?

Choices--We All Have Them

I'm actually listening to Jimmy Eat World ["May Angels Lead You In"] at the moment.

Choices--after what's going on, I think I just want to talk about them now or something to that effect.

Seriously, though, these choice things...we've all got them, we all just don't use them.

So, you could take a person who's got very "my kid has no say in his/her future" kind of parents. The dad is a sports fanatic, particularly lacrosse. He wants his son to take part in it in high school & onward to college and what not. 

Thing is though, this son has no interest in lacrosse whatsoever. He enjoys football a lot. When it comes time to ask him to sign the papers, his dad has a fit and punishes the son for following through his desires--exercising the choice to go with his heart, not with what his dad says.

Or, how about this?

Take the same dad, and the same son---just add a daughter, she wants to be a middle school science teacher, the mother wants for her to study law, so she arranges all of her classes. September comes, and this girl is pissed, so she goes to her Guidance counselor, complaining about her classes. She's got a choice--to stick with the schedule her mom planned out, riddled with classes she would never take [save for the ones she needs to take], or to try and change this schedule and get somethings that she will enjoy doing.

Now, the kids don't plot the parents murder, but, do you see where I am getting with this? Naïvety or not, everyone has a choice--to make or receive a call, to keep or change a schedule, or to just simply follow your heart--the possibilities are endless.

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Silver Rain"]

Okay, so this is nothing--and I do mean nothing--new for you. I mean, get real, I'm seventeen. What do we know?

Anyways, I think my friend Chris (R) is acting a bit odd towards me lately. Maybe it is because he is not feeling well, but he's acting odd, I think. Sure, he gave me the semi-obligatory gum ninth period--but he ditched me today! Yesterday was nothing, sure, he's got a girlfriend to attend to, and I get that....but what happened to your friends? There's a group of Freshmen (his "Pet Freshmen" he calls them) he hangs out with every single day during our lunch period--and he wasn't with them all period, he wasn't even in the cafeteria. That's something, something's up with Chris. I don't think his girl is behind it--what can she do? If she's jealous of me, she needn't be--I won't steal Chris away from her. I've got more pride than that. I really, truly think I do. He thinks he's sick--but why shouldn't he say hi, or apologize for when he ditches me?

Like, I am not really, really mad about it, because it's happened before and I think I've started to become immune to being left behind. I just wonder why Chris is acting so different and abandoning his friends? Are we not good enough for him anymore?

[In This Moment/"Prayers"]

Right, I told you I'd be back in a moment. This'll be just a quickie I suppose because I'll be leaving in a bit.

You know how it feels when someone isn't there in your life anymore for one reason or another, and it really, really hits home, like a bullet ripping through flesh (crap analogy, let's keep going...)?

That's how I feel. I feel numb, cold, a void just taking up space. I am literally just walking, talking flesh. I don't think I can feel much these days. I just feel empty, like a void. There's nothing for me it seems.

*****This is not a suicide note. I don't do that stuff online*****

In This Moment/"When the Storm Subsides"]

Wow, today I was midly angry and very, very sad. A lot can contribute to that these days. Like, the smallest thing can set me off these days. Like, everything to poetry to working on something to things people say. I'm very...not Aden right now, and it's hard to deal with, what with everything else. 

But, seriously though, very small things can send me crying or screaming or hitting my locker. My friend Chris R had to go see his girlfriend--which was fine & I told him so when he apologized to me in ninth period English class--but I didn't know that earlier. See, we have this thing (so I don't feel entirely left out & because I'm one of Chris' friends) where we go up to meet his girlfriend before sixth period (Lunch is fifth). I don't have a problem with his girlfriend, but that's his girlfriend for crying out loud. I don't meddle in people's love affairs unless I am asked to do so or something warrants an investigation and I'm trying to find out what's going on with my friend. Then, probably as a last resort, I will go to my friend's significant others. That's another Aden thing, I suppose. I try not to meddle in others' affairs. And yet I want to study law or psychology, both of which deal with people's issues. Heh.

I'm hitting lockers because hitting people has lost its satisfaction. I'll be honest with you. I've hit a few people this year--about five or so, and I've kicked one person. I do it when teachers aren't looking because most teachers don't notice what I'm doing; I'm a good student to them and them finding out that I've hit people is like....a straight A-student for his entire school career working at a mediocre place like McDonald's when he's thirty. That shouldn't happen because it's just wrong and uncool (yet the wrong and uncool happen anyways. Life's mean like that.). But...seriously. You know what I did after Chris R told me that he was sorry for leaving me? I cried, just a bit. I cried. Everything just seems impossible to do and a nightmare to even attempt. I left my IMO class because I wouldn't do my test--yet I would willingly do my Health paper on anxiety disorders. Just so you know, I think I've got them, so this is good for all of us to learn a little something about that. I've been told that I have a anxiety disorder from Chris M (most everyone I know is named Chris...please bear with me.) on 5 December 2004. He's got about the same thing. He has panic attacks. But I'll leave you alone on this for right now because I've got more thoughts poring in and I don't want to put them here and have your eyes hurt even more.

I'll be back in a moment. Comments are nice but not required.

[Tribal Ink/"Refugee"]

Ever since my friend's death, I've been an absolute mess. Sure, my boyfriend, David, has been there (and for this I thank him) and my other friend (who I sometimes can not stand. His name is also Chris.) as well. But I'm screwed up inside, and it's not because of PMS or what have you. I have never ever felt like this before. 

Anxiety, anger and sadness and extreme happiness all take turns in this. It's like a cycle. I think they are mood swings, but hey, I'm not qualified for that. I'm no Freud or who-have-you. But, I don't think that this is normal in any case. Seriously. Like Sunday I was extremely happy, Monday I was extremely upset with mild anger & anxiety and today, Tuesday, I felt extreme happiness again before I fell asleep (talking to my boyfriend no less), then I felt a little anxiety. No anger though (unless you count the five minutes staring at Chris Raymond's Freshman table and thinking about how odd it was that he was not there...). Nothing extreme like hitting, kicking and slamming the lockers at my school or yelling at Lyndell and saying that he is supercilious (I learned that word from reading The Great Gatsby in English class--we just finished that book a bit ago. Now we're doing poetry & stuff) or what have you. 

But, anyways, yesterday (before Chris M comes by). I was already upset to begin with. Then that went away, and I was extremely angry in Health class....and then in Math I just cried. My case manager telling me I did not get extended time pushed me over the edge. I almost cried in History. I wanted to die wholeheartedly. I couldn't do this.

And with that, I leave you.

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Forgive Me"]

Okay, fine. It was the first song I could think of. I'm just here to let everyone who reads this (no one) that I'm still here. Just busy with stuff and life and everything.

Today in Gym was a day of apathy. After yesterday I felt like I needed it. The only reason I did Gym and let my feet carry themselves over there on my way to from the CVS (a major Nottingham hangout...and you really shouldn't hang out there because the store people get mad (I've witnessed this--today actually, just as I was going in with my six dollars and change to buy a Powerade that was going to cost me less than what I had (in a good way).) was because I heard the five minute bell--I don't ignore that unless I'm not around. Today I was--and I really can't afford another late, sit out or absence (I'll be absent on the sixteenth to go to the dentist--cringe.). The dentist will be my ninth (I oversleep, and where I am 3 lates=1 absence, and if there's one thing I"m not it's on time. Seriously). Then I'll have to come to school every stinking day--at least for Gym--and sweat my ass off.

Let me tell you how in hell I ended up in a first period underclassmen (yes, if you wanted to look at it a certain way I am an underclassmen too...but this is like underclassmen that makes me feel old and ancient.) Physical Education class.

Last year I come here--new, fresh from Lawrence High (having missed about three weeks spent on talking to my friends who have either left me or are in College now.). Do Gym--fucking pool and all those unprepareds in Flag Football--ick. No--it was annoying and I was going through some stuff at the time (like newschoololdfacephobia???), so I stopped Gym for a while. I stopped for too long. The result. 10th grade gym---ick. ick ick.

I should get out of here though. I have Health.

What I came here to say was why are people just so annoying stupid? Seriously. It's just...annoying. We had a quiz yesterday. I took mine home. It was a history quiz. The person next to me forgot their notes and tried to mooch off mine and I told him no.

More on that later. I have to go. I don't want to.

And just so people know--L's getting it.