30-3-08 [L'Ame Immortelle/"Life will never be the same again"]

She sits, thinking about you

The ice cream bar in her hand

Music shining through the night, like a beacon

She sits, thinking about you still

The ice cream bar melts down her arm

Stickying her fingers, hiding the nail polish

The juices run down her arm in a frenzy

She doesn't notice, she's thinking about you the whole time

For David

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Forgive Me"]

Every sound sends a shiver down my spine

I think my phone is vibrating, when it is a sound from my brother's room

I think I can hear my computer pinging (in some cases it is) when it is just my music

Or sounds in the living room

I'm in love with you, and ordinary sounds sound frightening

They don't sound like what they should

Or they do, but I've come so accustomed to the sounds that most things sound like them now

And I never sleep, up waiting for you and my music there's really no need

I'm content, even if I do fall asleep, waking only for a text message or two

I'd give almost anything just for a bit of reality, just to hear your voice

I know what's going on, but the knowing doesn't keep me from wanting

Keep me steady, keep me sane

I go blank when I run out of things and don't know what to say

But, I can't sleep, I don't want to sleep and break the spells that linger

I skated two days ago, and for the time I had wheels beneath me, it was weird, I felt uneven

Skating up and down, and down and up

At the end I sit next to a friend, completely out of the loop

My mind thinking only about you and what happened before I let myself skate up and down and back in a skirt, my phone not very far from me

Wanting to stay in touch with you

I'd give almost anything just to call you again, but I can't

And you know I can't, it kills me

Every sound I hear sends a shiver down my spine

I think my phone is vibrating, when it's just noise from my brother's room

I think I hear my computer pinging (in some cases it is) when it is just my music

Or sounds in the living room

I'm content, awake or asleep, waiting for a text message or two

The others should be coming in a day or two.

For David

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Judgement"[as performed by Faith and the Muse]]II

Have you ever had that zoomy feeling when you're giddy, or just ever?

If so, perhaps you might relate. If not...maybe read on?

This zoomy feeling is weird and tends to come when you're scared, in love, or giddy. You feel like the world might be spinning way too fast and nothing might make sense. You spin, and it tends to be a pleasant feeling, save for when you're scared. I think I'm having this feeling. I think, and I have this feeling. I guess it's a good thing.

I wonder where this feeling will lead me?

In Strictest Confidence [Evanescence/"Anywhere"]

For Christian Marchetti...unless my business must be told, whatever I tell you is in confidence. Therefore, you need to keep your mouth shut.

I told you this
In strictest Confidence
And you're dropping bombs about it
I told you this
Only to be shot down
In strictest Confidence I told you this
And it means absolutely nothing to you

So much for that...in strictest confidence

[Evanescence/"Anywhere"]

I wondered how long it would be before the ink sets down and dries
I now wonder how long it would be before the tears fell

You break my confidence and now you break me
Take the fragile material and rip it up and tear it down
These words don't approximate my feelings, no matter how wretched they are
I don't think my words do--approximate my feelings

There's all the pretending, the circulating of letters and words
Most of them fictitcious and cruel
No one really knows the full story, no one bothers to ask
And I can't be bothered with the "deaf"
That is, the people who can hear and won't bother comprehending

People constantly condemn in supercilious tones and it
Kills me

I want for you to come and find me
And take me to where you live, to the beach and just stay with me
Even though dependence is my undoing

I want to be free, I've always wanted to be free
Free of what Society says
Following my will...not God's

I stopped because it wasn't for me
The singing and the what not
Feeling a sense of unease
I left

Where are you when I need you, Dear?
I love you, I miss you
Please, won't you find me?

[Casting Crowns/"Does Anybody Hear Her"]

I know this is a "Christian" band, but over a year ago I found this song via a mention of it in someone's poem. The song doesn't seem that way, though. The following is NOT a suicide note (why in hell would I put that on a site no one might ever see??), but simply emotions.

No one really truly sees me
All they see are the negative things
And nothing positive
Nothing truly worth remembering
Nothing significant
Just music that makes people's ears rot

I just wish that they could see the kind of person that thrives
Underneath the black disposition and behind blue glasses
I seem to fall behind, and never catch up
And why should I, really?
So I can be mocked?

There is no Prince Charming
Nothing of the sort here
Not in my immediate vicinity
He's in a faraway land, too far for comfort

I just have to wonder if it's worth it sometimes
To continue fighting through
I know people who don't want to see me drown
But they can't see through my mask
Can they?

What are your closest friends if they can't see through the mascara
The bronzer, the blush, the lipstick and the tan? (There's more to it)
Beneath that is the breaking, the creaking, the shrieking and the crying
Floors below, the lower the sadder and twice as desolate

I can't wait, and trust is a miniature option
The pen moves, just as the tears down my face and the
Gun through my hands, kissing my temple
Thumb on the trigger
They course down my face in rivers
Hand quivering
The trigger pulled, the sound never heard
And there I am, in a better place

My pain's over, my searching done
Nothing to remember her by

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Calling"] II

I also wrote this in SI

"Can you hear (can you hear) me calling?
(Are you listening to me?)
Can you see (can you see) me falling?"

Perfect blue tears fall from bright green eyes
He'll meet his doom, leaving her like that
Her world shattered, the rain pelting her as she walked
Vengeance

I loved you, why can't you return the favor?
I saw you a long time ago, and i loved you then
I still do. I still do.

Section in quotes is "Calling" by L'Ame Immortelle.

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Calling"]

This is a poem I wrote in SI today.

"Can you hear me calling
Are you listening to me
Can you see me falling
Or are you too blind to see?"

I want you to find me
Or i just want you to try
There is everything, falling apart
I don't want to do this--I can't move, feeling like lead

There's no way you can see me
There no way you know or hear
I tried, I waited
I called, I failed
And I died. Their Christ.

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Stumme Schreie"]

"Sag mir: kannst du mich verstehen?"

[According to this link here: http://dictionary.reference.com/translate/index.html , the above means--"Say to me: can you understand me?" I prefer to use it as "Tell me: can [or do] you understand?", but oh well....]

Anyways, that line {From "Stumme Schreie" by L'Ame Immortelle.] is my inspiration for tonight's blog (even if I should be on my way to sleep....).

You know how you tell people something....and then tell them not to tell anyone or you'll slit their throat or whatever your death choice is?....and then they blab anyways and then there's a whole big bang of commotion and yada, yada, yada.

But before they betray your strict confidence, they ask "Why can't I tell?" and it's like.... "It's my business. I'm just telling you. Just because I told you doesn't mean you can go and tell anyone else." And they want something more complex. A simple "This is the way it is...now do me a fucking favor and deal with it" suffices for me. Not most people though. It's like....here's something person A knows....if I tell person A not to tell....person A should keep her mouth shut and if she tells person B then A will get crucified. It's that simple.

So....do we understand. Good. Because....

...people need to stop being supercilious. It's annoying.

[Ceza f/Sagopa Kajmer/"Neyim Var Ki"]

I'll bet that this a bit off for you. Try the songs on my playlist because I think you'll like them.

In the meantime, I guess you could read this. I take that back...you can read this.

Things are fine, they're okay

I'm just living

I live in rainbow colored lies

I don't know the full difference between reality and fiction

People and chaos are never good

Walking in the hallways and everyone screams over top

Distorting me greatly, never fully understanding

I want them to be mute

[Evanescence/"Everybody's Fool"]

You know those light up pacifiers people have lately?

I've never understood why in the world people would want them. Seriously, the only time I want to see someone with a pacifier in their mouth is when they're babies. At around my age [because that's the only age group I've seen with them.], it's like sucking your thumb. [I know someone who is almost twenty and still sucks their thumb. Disgusting.] You're not supposed to do it. Light up pacifiers are just not cool in the slightest and should be outlawed. But, because I'm in the minority with that, I suppose they'll be here for a bit longer...

A "Just because" [My sister is destroying my ears at the moment so there's no song for you today.]

Wanna know what gets annoying?

Other people putting words in your mouth---a very annoying thing indeed.

Fine, this is just an update. I have nothing "great" or "amazing" for you or anything like that...I'm just here.

I'll definitely be around to edit this, the music is killing me.

Music is very best friend....people [for the most part] aren't because you are easily let down that way.

--Aden

[Soilwork/"Soilworker's Song of the Damned"]

I was actually going to post something earlier this morning, but changed my mind. I should be working on my Pool and English Papers, due Monday and Tuesday, right now. :)

You know how people are always asking if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, and then try to hook you up with someone who isn't your type and they & you both know this?

Well, this happened to me. And I don't like it, for the most part, when people try to hook me up. So I said I had someone. And that was blown out of fucking proportion. So I got on them....it's not their concern as to whether or not I have someone who's keeping me happy. And if not, that's more of a cause for them to hook me up with Denzel, a boy who every girl (who *might* hate me with a passion) likes trying to pair me up with. That's just fucking annoying.

It's like a game of Connect Four and the black player has three in a row and no matter where red goes he's in a fucked position. Say yes and these girls try to put you with someone. Say no and the same thing happens. Drop the red piece to the right, black drops to the left, and the game is won. Drop that red to the left, black to the right, and the game is still won.

So yea, I jumped down a few bitches throats and that might have cost me my job (which is NOT guaranteed because there are eight spots at the camp. I might not even work at the camp, and if that's the case that's even better because the girls in particular are working there (maybe. There are eight spots to be filled.). Maybe I will work at the family preservation center, better known as the FPC. And that's still fine because I love that place because the people are so friendly and everything. I loved what I did the last time I worked there, but hated the cost (one bus ride to and from where I lived with a bunch of kids. Some of them were really nice and did what they were told; others I had to wrestle in the seats just to get their seatbelts on. And afternoons were worse, so after this summer I'm basically done, I'm cutting my time short.). And I'm going to hate the cost this summer I'm thinking, but love what I'm doing. And if I'm working at the camp, well....I'll be breaking more than working and Christian Marchetti will be firing me for not doing my work. I mean, the work is easy at the camp, but you have to have extreme patience for it. I'm patient, but that patience runs away fast underneath a place you got the living shit kicked out of you (figuratively speaking) and lack of air-conditioning in most of the place (save for the art room below).

But anyways, reverting to my original point. Seriously, it's just better to keep your mouth shut (and if you do say you have a boyfriend, don't ever mention sex because then people will think you're a slut or what have you when you really might not be.) So....for your safety and reputation, don't mention that bit, no matter how true it is and will make every girl green with envy. You could, but you might get heartache that way.

I don't live for that kind of thing and if people tell Christian they can go right ahead, but I'll be damned if they twist the story up. He knows what I do, and how I do it. I don't normally jump down other people's throats (although I will admit on Tuesday I will be the AntiChrist, jumping down everyone's throats because I'll be too fried to communicate with anyone. So, if you know me, then expect that for a few days before my finals in June, which seems extremely close. :) That's just the person I am. Granted, I didn't get all bitchy last year, and I don't know why. Freshman year finals came and I was the fucking AntiChrist. I was mean, and I lost my patience a lot. I still remember the time it was me, my brother & sister; a soon to be camp counselor who, for privacy's sake, will not be named; and Christian (tis one of those things I can't understand.....) & we're on our way home, like right down my alleyway, and someone says something and because I'm studying for my impending Modern World Civilizations Final, I was mean. Something we all get over. 

And going back still, I don't normally outburst like that unless you're asking me a really stupid question.....right after I said that I didn't know.

I ask if there was an intermission in this play I was going to see, and Chris is like was there one last year (it was at McCarter Theatre, every year they do A Christmas Carol and, for one reason or another, I did not see the 2006 production (or the year before that for that matter), so I asked if there was an intermission, and he asks me like I know. It's like...."I'm asking you because I don't know. If I knew I would not have asked." So fine, that was a shit example, but I don't exactly care about shit examples at the moment. Like...that was just stupid, you know? Completely stupid. I don't know.

Now I'm just going to close this by saying the following:

Keep your nose out of my private life. It's not yours to follow unless I give permission. And even then you better keep your mouth shut.

Ignorance is not bliss......no matter what people say. Going through live oblivious, no matter how neat it sounds, is not worth it in the long run. It just isn't. How can you go through life oblivious is beyond me.

You're no better than me, and I'm no better than you. Anyone I know who thinks like that should expect a crucifixion. We all bleed red, we all breathe the same air, don't we? You're not up on pretty fucking pedestal, because I'll be the one that brings you down and leave you for dead.