27-6-09

Okay. Anyone who has been following me on Twitter or is a friend of mine on Skype knows that I've been a little out of sorts lately. These surges of energy are not from any drugs that I take, they're just there you know? Very annoying. They're particularly strong when I listen to Linkin Park's "Numb" (a sign that I should stop listening to that song? Perhaps.). 

I've been told (by the voices in my head) that I'm a telekinetic. Do I know if they're right? No, because I've never tried. Why? Because I'm terrified of the power that they have. They have a lot of power and I'm afraid to see if, for once, they are telling the truth they'll be ready to take EVERYTHING from me. If they take everything from me, then I'm doomed because I will not remember much of anything ever again.

It's an unpleasant feeling to have voices in your head constantly telling you what to do & how to do it & when to do it. I'm liable to fall into the trap that tells me if I use red ink they'll go away, if I do this at a certain time I won't have nightmares. Nightmares are my punishment for when I don't do as they say. I believe that they nearly killed me. They said they would be able to do it too, when they're ready to dispose of me, but I don't tell my parents that for fear that I will be sent to a hospital right before I start work (more on that later). Or just in general. I have to register for classes and take the placement test at my community college. Stuff like that. And I just can't can't can't have them interfering. If they kill me, then what do I do?

Moving on.

If you follow me on Twitter or a friend of mine on Skype, then you know I got a job. Training starts on 2 July. I have to re-arrange some things but I can get it done. I know I can.

Questions or concerns? You most likely have my information. If not, then you can always just comment. Thanks for reading.

3 June 2009

I know I haven't posted here in quite some time. I've lost the blogging feeling these days. But I'm kinda back but I have to go in a little bit. I have an Art Class and finals to worry about.

To be honest with you, I feel kinda anxious right now. I nearly lost it in English today because I guess I had been tugging on my pen and my friend Chris was like "What are you doing?" so I stopped and looked around and looked back and Chris who basically had a look that said "Are you alright?" I told him about the Voices and what they do to me. "They take stuff away from me," I said. "What do they take away from you?," he asked. "Memories," I replied. I wish that I had gotten more out but I really was scared and did not know what to do next. I also just found some stuff out about his girlfriend that I won't mention here.

I haven't taken any medication since...yesterday or the day before, but I think it was the day before. I don't remember. I have a hard time remembering stuff sometimes. It's tricky for me. Easy words sometimes suddenly become a challenge when I'm reading aloud. Like I was reading a friend's message aloud to myself earlier today and I got stuck for about a minute on the word "frequent". I feel a little lost, a little out of it, so I'm going to see if I can get ahold of a friend who can get me into gear a little later...see if the feeling doesn't pass before I waste my energy on the one phone call. I don't want that. I just don't.

If you're new in reading this blog, you should be well aware that I might post things frequently about whatever is happening in my head pertaining to voices or about summer and graduation, both of which are quickly approaching. But I find I post mostly about the Voices in my head and what goes on surrounding that. And anxiety as well. I've been told that I have anxiety disorder with compulsions. Or something similar to that. I do not remember the exact wording. I also have depressive episodes. I just recently got over a depressive episode. Am I boring you? If so, please stop reading.

But yea. That aside I'm a cool person to get to get to know. Just as long as you don't go into the realm of the overly personal, I'll answer just about anything you have to ask. Sound good?

Okay. I'll keep you posted, however long that may be.

Update--14 January 2009

I hope everyone reading this had an awesome holiday! I'm pretty sure it SUCKED going back to work and school didn't it?

Anyways, I'm...probably not doing all that well. I nearly freaked out in English class today and my friend Chris had to help me out. I'm losing my memory, I'm a nervous wreck. I just want for tomorrow to be better so I can stop worrying my friends.

Happy 2009!

--Aden

I was listening to the Acoustic version of Flyleaf's "Cassie" and following verse stood out to me:

"They didn't love their lives so much

As to shrink from death

Inspired by their footsteps

We will march ahead

Don't be shocked that people die

Be surprised you're still alive"

I wrote this journal entry at alljournal.com and one related to it. I want them to make you think, so I want you to read through them and just maybe create a response to them. You don't have to if you don't want to, but I'd like it if you did do so... :)

Other than that, things are alright. Christmas was alright and so was Thanksgiving. :)

English Assignment Overdue (this post WILL be deleted)

Describe a person or event that has influenced your life in a significant way and how you have grown as a result of this experience.

The person who has influenced me the most is my father. I think that he can be judgmental at times, but I think his judgment have matured me. His judgmental attitude has matured me, because even though I can still be rash, I think my way of thinking has changed. His way of thinking has influenced me because I'm now more inclined to think things through and look at things a bit more differently.

It all started when I met one of my friends on a poetry website, and told me his religious views of LeVeyan Satanism and Wicca. My dad is a Christian, so this didn't sit well with him. In fact, he banned me from the computer because he thought that my friend would try to "corrupt" my way of thinking but, at sixteen, my mind wasn't focused on being the Miss Goody Two Shoes I had been all my life. My mind was focused on on e thing--getting my friend to understand the damage I had done by letting it slip to my father that he was a Satanist. I tried explaining it to both my parents, actually, but they did not listen to me. They stuck with their narrow-minded views. The music he likes is everything that sounds good, but mostly metal and my family likes R&B and Hip-hop; my dad likes Christian music. I like the music that my friend likes. My friend's views on life are the opposite of what my family's views on life are just in general.

My father castigated him, blamed him for my changes. I attended church and Bible Study less and less, spent more time on the computer, enjoying the music my friend sent me. Metaphorically speaking, my dad burned him at the stake for his beliefs and that wasn't fair.

It took my dad time to come around and let me back on the computer. I did not use the computer for thirteen days so my friend and I call that the Thirteen Days of Exile. My dad stopped blaming him for the things I did wrong, like listen to the music my friend sent. We, my father and I, never got along well to begin with, so in my opinion, that made things worse. But thanks to him and my friend, I don't think my thinking will be the same and that's what I'll need to succeed.

"Now I'm scared and I'm afraid

Of the roles that I have played

Of vows I broke and vows I made

It's time to end, to end this masquerade"

--L'Âme Immortelle

"Masquerade"

The song can be found by clicking this link and just listening to it. It's a really good song. I think it's about breaking your own bindings...you don't need a mask to be who you are. I mean, I could dissect this verse by verse but that would take too much time. Perhaps another day.

As for thanksgiving...it went well. Now let's see about Christmas...

Update for 8 November 2008

Just dropping in to let people know I'm still alive..just SWARMED with work and trying to keep everything in tact.

More to come..maybe.