Part 2 from Last Night

No nightmares last night, scared earlier this afternoon for no reason that I know of or remember....and why am I so freaked to tell one of my best friends this. I mean, it's not like he won't be there for me, because he will. It's just like...oh, I don't know why I'm so freaked out to tell him about this. I feel like that there is (and I know I've said this once before) no one around. I know people are, but I don't like dragging people down with my problems and issues and things, especially since that is all I seem to have these days. Problem on top of problem on top of problem. If I'm not anxious, I'm hearing voices; if I'm not hearing voices, then I'm freaked at the prospect of going outside, afraid that I'll be shot or kidnapped or what have you. So, I keep my problems inside, knowing that there are people who want to help, and they know who they are, and I know they mean well. But it's like...I want them to know the happy things about me too, and right now I don't think I know how to let people in on both and let them know when I am having a problem and when there's a whole bunch of good going on as well, you know?

I don't know if it is just me, but in the end....Look at me, I'm a mess. I can't even leave my house without thinking that I will be hurt now, and I don't know how to communicate that to my friends just yet. I mean, I told one of my closest friends I'd keep him updated, but I'm afraid to tell him this..and why should I be afraid to--my friends are all nice enough and everything. So...why? Why am I afraid to confide in my friends when I probably need them the most?

comments appreciated

Part 2

Slightly scared to go to sleep, but I'll try anyways. We'll see what happens when I post here tomorrow.

Goodnight.

What Next?

When I go outside, I think that everyone wants to hurt me--granted, there might be people out there who do want to hurt me--but I don't think everyone wants to hurt me, no.

It's an annoying feeling, actually, to be scared of everyone (or almost everyone) you come in contact with. Things seem to take longer than usual because it's like "Is this person going to try and hurt me?" "Are they going to shoot me--Do they have guns?" and it is very annoying and frightening and, I think, leaves me a mess in the end.

And while I'm thinking about it...I'm out of it more lately. I mean, yea, my memory is (as far as I know) intact and working, but I feel out of it and restless at times, mostly around 4 and 7 or 8pm. There's a store called Save A Lot right near where I live (it's not a long walk) and sometimes I have people wonder because I go in there at least 2 times a day because I get so bored and riled up that I have to volunteer myself (despite the fact that I'm afraid of being hurt everytime I step foot out of my apartment and down the flight of stairs and out of the main door) to go to the store to buy things for my mother, brother or sister.

I'm just one big mess.

Update--26 July 2008

I'm not having nightmares now...instead I'm somewhat paranoid about being shot everytime I step foot out of my house and out into the real world. It's just started to recently happen. What's worse (and my parents don't know yet) is that sometimes I think of hurting other people and that's just not cool. I don't want to go back to the hospital at all. No no no. I do not want to go back to the hospital.

Right now, I don't know how to control it or anything. I just know it's there and I don't like it in the slightest.

Although

I'm sleepy, yet I don't want to go to sleep. I should have been in bed an hour ago....but, I don't want to go to sleep right now. I feel scared to go to sleep.

Untitled 2

No nightmares last night, and hopefully the fear of having one won't incapacitate me.

Untitled

I've found a new kind of music to help me sleep to, but now I'm afraid to go to sleep because I'm afraid the music won't work and I'll have nightmares. I was scared last night, and the night before and the night before that I think. Yes, I was and it's not particularly pleasant to know that you are afraid to fall asleep. I would rather fall asleep and wake up super early and have no nightmares than to wake up at x am/pm and have had several nightmares. Maybe I'm being irrational, but right now I don't care. I'm too scared to go to sleep. I'm afraid of the possibility of the fact that I will have nightmares and keep having them. I know I"m afraid of that. I want to tell a friend of mine but he's got so much going on I'd rather not tell him until later, if later comes.

I'm tired, but I'm scared to sleep right now. Maybe in an hour or so...

So, A Different Kind of Music Does Help?

I think a different kind of music helped me to better sleep last night. No wacked out dreams that involve naked little boys or gunshots and almost being shot.

Normally, I sleep to the opening theme to The Rage: Carrie 2 that can be found here (it's the very first song you will see.). Last night I listened to Ocean of Sorrows Intro in G Minor (and I can't find that right now for you to listen to) I slept the same, but me being weird like that seemed for me to help prevent nightmares.

By the way, if you know of any FREE dream dictionaries available for download, please let me know. :)

No Sleep

I've been having bizarre dreams lately and I'm so scared I'll have another one that I don't want to go to sleep. What I'm going to do is change the music I've been listening to while I sleep. If that doesn't work, then I don't know what I'll do. I'm a mess. A complete mess.

Updating You Again

Yes, I know it's been awhile. It's summer and I haven't been as busy as I planned. By the way, anyone looking for the "Summer Before the End" blog should know I've deleted that because it was an unnecessary blog, and a waste of my time.

As far as my mental stability is concerned, it's alright. Better than last month, if you ask me. Just feeling depressed--and nothing's going on! Nothing in the slightest is going on. I'm just depressed.

It doesn't help that I'm apparently Bipolar. :( and that I'm being ditched entirely for another girl and what not....I'm a wreck. A total wreck.

Hey, Aden, at least you hear the voices less.