In Aden's World [Previously This Is [Not So Simply] Aden Speaking. How May I Help You...]

3 October 2009

2009-10-03T19:06:00.001-04:00

Just another "checking in to let you know I'm alive" post. Nothing new or special is going on right now so yea... goober.

Update: 15 August 2009

2009-08-15T00:14:00.001-04:00

Just dropping in to say hello. Things are fine. Doing alright in online school so... yea. Things are fine here.

And you?

2009-07-16T14:54:00.002-04:00

This is just to let people know I'm alive and well.

I wonder... does anyone even READ this blog anymore? Teehee. :)

Kaesse1 [feat SPAMone] Ich kann dich sehen

2009-07-06T23:22:00.002-04:00

This is "Ich kann dich sehen" by Kaese1 featuring SPAMone. It's an emotional pretty song that I get this big bang out of listening to because it's just that fucking awesome.

Lyrics can be found here.

This is the video if the embedded one does not work.

Okay that's it. Ooh and look at the poem I posted in my other blog, please? Thankees much! :d

PS--It's in German. All of it. I can only speak a little German so translations are out of the question.

Rant [3 July 2009]

2009-07-03T23:12:00.003-04:00

Okay. The following is a rant. Don't like rants? Don't harass me about it.

In the meantime, you can still check out Waves. I'm working on a short story for that so you should always look for those (if I'm not horrifically busy over this time period).

Thanks.

***

Okay. I don't really much care who reads this because it's the world wide web, but I have an immense problem with people reading my stuff I don't want to read it--like my parents and the like. Hypocritical, I know.

Sidetracked: Back on course?

Okay, so here's what I think about most people on Skype (NOT my friends there). The people who add me either want one or a combination of four things: Sex, friendship, cam, multiple pictures of me. Not in that order. I've found that it's usually a combination, others may say differently. Are there kind, genuine people on Skype? Yes. Those people are my friends and they know who they are. But, in my experience, it's only a small percentage. Like, say I've gotten 150 requests (I have a feeling it is much less than that) to be my friend. Out of those 150 requests, say 50 don't bother adding me for their own personal reasons (I'm not complaining about that. What kind of a moron would I be?). So you have 100 people left, right? Okay. 100 people. I would say that maybe between 90 and 95 people want a combination of the above things (Sex, friendship, cam, multiple pictures) What do the remaining 5 to 10 want? Friendship. (And I know this is a shit analogy). Do you see my point? Am I saying that the people who just want friendship don't want cam? It might sound like it, but I don't mean to come across that way. Is seeing another person's face a good thing? Certainly. Do you have to like it? No. I specify in my profile that I don't add anyone older than 38 (my mom's age) and that cam and voice chat are on a case by case basis.

What the fuck does that mean?

Means that I talk to you, I like you, I add you--despite the enforcements I have up.

Do I have people older than my parents on my friends list on Skype? Not that I know of (because who knows with the web?) Why? Because that's just creepy! (In MY opinion) I mean, I guess some people like that, but I don't really. And really...if I got a guy older than my parents asking me to be my friend on Skype, I'd follow the above guidelines. If all they want is sex (like most people I have come across want. Most, not all.), then when I find this out I block them. I've actually had one guy come to me (online of course) complaining about his girlfriend and how he (from what I understood) wanted someone to get him off. So he chose me. Why? I guess I had sex appeal or something like that.

I find it a bit surprising to be honest that people think I'm attractive (Hi there Miss Low Self-Esteem). I don't think so but hey, you think what you want. That's fine by me. It's like, I have a profile on Skype. Do people read it? Sure--that small percentage read it. What do the remaining do? Jump right in and start IMing and calling (my signature says text before you call. I don't answer calls from people I don't know.). Or they'll call first and then IM. Or people will actually take the time to READ my profile and signature & go something like "Okay...maybe she wants this." and go from there. You know?

I'm fed up with people wanting me to participate in conversation that is win-lose (They win, I lose). Like, I don't mind sexual jokes I guess but when it's like let's have cybersex or something to that effect. It's like NO FUCK OFF, you know? It's tedious.

But what does this lead up to?

Tonight.

I was talking with an acquaintance on Skype & he (I'm pretty sure it said "Male" on his profile sheet) wanted to do cam. I'm sitting in my room, in the dark (because I like that) and instead of telling him no (which, looking at the message he sent to me from another account of his, would have led to an argument), I blocked him. He'd asked a few times already and I was feeling kind of fed up (is that all almost anyone on Skype wants???, I always think when the question of the cam comes up, and it almost always does). I blocked him but then he goes and makes a whole new account, saying he's going to block me. Personally? I think he was having some sort of complex and wanted to be the one on top. I don't care about your petty little complexes and the need to block back. You're blocked. Shut up & get a life.

Spiting me is hard sometimes. Here's what I personally can't stand, like pet peeves?:

The "holier-than-thou"
The supercilious (I love that word!)
Those who want to be on top all the time (that what this person sounded like)
People who get whiny and shit when things don't go their way (see above)
Cowards (There's a blog from last year on this subject)
When people ask me for sex...cybersex. No, ew. Tried it, didn't like it. I don't talk about that. You will never find a blog about that by me unless it's about the horrors of it.

But yea. This whole blog is about me being pissed about what happens on Skype from my experience. I've had good experiences, I've made good friends (they, once again, know who they are :) ). I'm just talking about the bad I think happens & my experiences. You don't have to agree, you don't have to disagree. You don't have to like this at all, so don't complain.

Disagree? Can you NOT bite my head off? Tell me your opinion(s).

New Blog Thingie

2009-06-30T07:34:00.002-04:00

This blog will still be continued.

You can find my poetry and stories on my new blog, Waves.

You need the address. Oh right. Here. Clicking this link will take you right there. If clicking the link does not work (It should.) You can copy & paste the address into your browser's address bar:

http://www.thewavesonarollercoaster.blogspot.com/

If that doesn't work, someone help you. Run a Google search, I suppose. I'm always on the prowl for feedback. If my work sucks (I don't think so!) tell me why it sucks. I'd like to improve.

Um... new comers. This blog is just about my life and things like that. I've had this blog since last year, I've only began updating it again in the past few weeks. It's mostly about what goes on in my head (plenty, trust me) and other life events (summer, etc). I'd really like to know what others think of my work.

Just as a warning, my works may not be in chronological order. In that case, you should always refer to when I wrote that particular story. Always in "curly-cue" brackets {} and written day/month/year. Like this -> {30/6/09}. Stories before 21 June are not posted on this blog.

All work on the blog is original work done by me, Aden Recreated and cannot be used without my consent. Thanks.

More information will be on the way. Meanwhile, make sure you follow thewavesonarollercoaster for your poetry and story needs!

29 June 2009

2009-06-29T13:43:00.002-04:00

So last night was just... freaky. Nothing happened except me feeling this energy around me for a little while. I don't know where it's coming from, but I swear it was there. It was there.

And on top of that, I was anxious and it showed when I was talking to a friend of mine. I told him about the energy and the voices (because I was hearing voices on top of it all but they went away for a little while.). I didn't know what was going on so I began looking up psychic abilities and things like that, psychic energy. I didn't find anything, unfortunately. Nothing made sense to me and as a result I was almost constantly (or so it felt) updating my Twitter with how I was feeling and in the end I took a Thorazine and fell asleep. Nothing made sense at all last night.

27-6-09

2009-06-27T21:06:00.002-04:00

Okay. Anyone who has been following me on Twitter or is a friend of mine on Skype knows that I've been a little out of sorts lately. These surges of energy are not from any drugs that I take, they're just there you know? Very annoying. They're particularly strong when I listen to Linkin Park's "Numb" (a sign that I should stop listening to that song? Perhaps.).

I've been told (by the voices in my head) that I'm a telekinetic. Do I know if they're right? No, because I've never tried. Why? Because I'm terrified of the power that they have. They have a lot of power and I'm afraid to see if, for once, they are telling the truth they'll be ready to take EVERYTHING from me. If they take everything from me, then I'm doomed because I will not remember much of anything ever again.

It's an unpleasant feeling to have voices in your head constantly telling you what to do & how to do it & when to do it. I'm liable to fall into the trap that tells me if I use red ink they'll go away, if I do this at a certain time I won't have nightmares. Nightmares are my punishment for when I don't do as they say. I believe that they nearly killed me. They said they would be able to do it too, when they're ready to dispose of me, but I don't tell my parents that for fear that I will be sent to a hospital right before I start work (more on that later). Or just in general. I have to register for classes and take the placement test at my community college. Stuff like that. And I just can't can't can't have them interfering. If they kill me, then what do I do?

Moving on.

If you follow me on Twitter or a friend of mine on Skype, then you know I got a job. Training starts on 2 July. I have to re-arrange some things but I can get it done. I know I can.

Questions or concerns? You most likely have my information. If not, then you can always just comment. Thanks for reading.

3 June 2009

2009-06-04T16:26:00.002-04:00

I know I haven't posted here in quite some time. I've lost the blogging feeling these days. But I'm kinda back but I have to go in a little bit. I have an Art Class and finals to worry about.

To be honest with you, I feel kinda anxious right now. I nearly lost it in English today because I guess I had been tugging on my pen and my friend Chris was like "What are you doing?" so I stopped and looked around and looked back and Chris who basically had a look that said "Are you alright?" I told him about the Voices and what they do to me. "They take stuff away from me," I said. "What do they take away from you?," he asked. "Memories," I replied. I wish that I had gotten more out but I really was scared and did not know what to do next. I also just found some stuff out about his girlfriend that I won't mention here.

I haven't taken any medication since...yesterday or the day before, but I think it was the day before. I don't remember. I have a hard time remembering stuff sometimes. It's tricky for me. Easy words sometimes suddenly become a challenge when I'm reading aloud. Like I was reading a friend's message aloud to myself earlier today and I got stuck for about a minute on the word "frequent". I feel a little lost, a little out of it, so I'm going to see if I can get ahold of a friend who can get me into gear a little later...see if the feeling doesn't pass before I waste my energy on the one phone call. I don't want that. I just don't.

If you're new in reading this blog, you should be well aware that I might post things frequently about whatever is happening in my head pertaining to voices or about summer and graduation, both of which are quickly approaching. But I find I post mostly about the Voices in my head and what goes on surrounding that. And anxiety as well. I've been told that I have anxiety disorder with compulsions. Or something similar to that. I do not remember the exact wording. I also have depressive episodes. I just recently got over a depressive episode. Am I boring you? If so, please stop reading.

But yea. That aside I'm a cool person to get to get to know. Just as long as you don't go into the realm of the overly personal, I'll answer just about anything you have to ask. Sound good?

Okay. I'll keep you posted, however long that may be.

Update--14 January 2009

2009-01-14T18:02:00.002-05:00

I hope everyone reading this had an awesome holiday! I'm pretty sure it SUCKED going back to work and school didn't it?

Anyways, I'm...probably not doing all that well. I nearly freaked out in English class today and my friend Chris had to help me out. I'm losing my memory, I'm a nervous wreck. I just want for tomorrow to be better so I can stop worrying my friends.

Happy 2009!

--Aden

2008-12-28T21:30:00.002-05:00

I was listening to the Acoustic version of Flyleaf's "Cassie" and following verse stood out to me:

"They didn't love their lives so much

As to shrink from death

Inspired by their footsteps

We will march ahead

Don't be shocked that people die

Be surprised you're still alive"

I wrote this journal entry at alljournal.com and one related to it. I want them to make you think, so I want you to read through them and just maybe create a response to them. You don't have to if you don't want to, but I'd like it if you did do so... :)

Other than that, things are alright. Christmas was alright and so was Thanksgiving. :)

English Assignment Overdue (this post WILL be deleted)

2008-12-07T09:33:00.002-05:00

Describe a person or event that has influenced your life in a significant way and how you have grown as a result of this experience.

The person who has influenced me the most is my father. I think that he can be judgmental at times, but I think his judgment have matured me. His judgmental attitude has matured me, because even though I can still be rash, I think my way of thinking has changed. His way of thinking has influenced me because I'm now more inclined to think things through and look at things a bit more differently.

It all started when I met one of my friends on a poetry website, and told me his religious views of LeVeyan Satanism and Wicca. My dad is a Christian, so this didn't sit well with him. In fact, he banned me from the computer because he thought that my friend would try to "corrupt" my way of thinking but, at sixteen, my mind wasn't focused on being the Miss Goody Two Shoes I had been all my life. My mind was focused on on e thing--getting my friend to understand the damage I had done by letting it slip to my father that he was a Satanist. I tried explaining it to both my parents, actually, but they did not listen to me. They stuck with their narrow-minded views. The music he likes is everything that sounds good, but mostly metal and my family likes R&B and Hip-hop; my dad likes Christian music. I like the music that my friend likes. My friend's views on life are the opposite of what my family's views on life are just in general.

My father castigated him, blamed him for my changes. I attended church and Bible Study less and less, spent more time on the computer, enjoying the music my friend sent me. Metaphorically speaking, my dad burned him at the stake for his beliefs and that wasn't fair.

It took my dad time to come around and let me back on the computer. I did not use the computer for thirteen days so my friend and I call that the Thirteen Days of Exile. My dad stopped blaming him for the things I did wrong, like listen to the music my friend sent. We, my father and I, never got along well to begin with, so in my opinion, that made things worse. But thanks to him and my friend, I don't think my thinking will be the same and that's what I'll need to succeed.

2008-11-30T21:01:00.002-05:00

"Now I'm scared and I'm afraid

Of the roles that I have played

Of vows I broke and vows I made

It's time to end, to end this masquerade"

--L'Âme Immortelle

"Masquerade"

The song can be found by clicking this link and just listening to it. It's a really good song. I think it's about breaking your own bindings...you don't need a mask to be who you are. I mean, I could dissect this verse by verse but that would take too much time. Perhaps another day.

As for thanksgiving...it went well. Now let's see about Christmas...

Update for 8 November 2008

2008-11-08T12:23:00.000-05:00

Just dropping in to let people know I'm still alive..just SWARMED with work and trying to keep everything in tact.

More to come..maybe.

Well...

2008-10-12T21:06:00.002-04:00

It's almost Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas time, and that means I get really down during those three holidays and that'll get me all the way up to my eighteenth birthday (6/February). Let's see....on Halloween I can be found crying because it's almost Thanksgiving and because a person I thought I love couldn't trust me enough to tell me that there was a rumour going around that I had been kissing him in the boys' locker room. (I wouldn't mind taking a peek in there, but stilll). Between Thanksgiving and Christmas I'll start crying because it's Thanksgiving and nearly Christmas and I get really down on myself...probably because around that time I wanted to die. I mean, I wrote my will and everything. But moving on....and once Christmas hits town I'm done for until my birthday, as I said.

But yea....I'm doing well in my classes and I know I got a decent grade on my German test so I'm all yes! :)

Now on Tuesday I just have to play catch up in my classes. If the pep-rallies didn't bore the bejesus out of me I'd've went to school that day...seriously!

How are you?

Update for 3 October 2008

2008-10-03T23:26:00.002-04:00

I keep forgetting to tell you that i got back my Journal and Story notebook on Thursday last. :) I haven't been writing in it much due to school work, but I'm trying to keep up as much as I can.

I fell asleep in the middle of my American Law homework and woke up at 12:08 am this morning...and woke up at 6:30 am this morning. So I didn't get much sleep. I didn't finish my Geometry test or my English homework for that matter, you know?

Being on Medication is hard. :(

You Know What's Über-Annoying?

2008-10-01T20:52:00.003-04:00

Is when I talk to a friend of mine and no matter how long I wait he seldom ever responds. I mean we [somehow] got a conversation rolling on Saturday but now...are we really meant to be friends. I wonder about the same thing with my other friend on Facebook...but with him it's like so long as he's logging in and doing something be it join a group, add a friend, etc then I'm pretty okay. But with this other friend....I've known him for what feels like the longest time and just recently we don't talk and fiddle around with the smilies as much as we used to, you know? I've known both of these people for the longest time and neither one of them are talking to me for reasons I don't understand and it's making me feel like I've done something wrong with both of them. I'd like to know what it is but I am afraid to ask them for fear that they might be mad at me...or more so if they're already mad. What have I done? One friend I just talk to and the other I sent a quote that he seemed to take well in my opinion. So...I don't know what the problem is. I wish I knew so I can rectify this mess....if it really is a mess. And if it's not a mess and it's a case of them not wanting to be my friend anymore, then I'll be devastated because I miss them both like crazy...have for quite some time. But I think I know why one of them is not talking to me and I hope it's not because that one of my friends has a girlfriend that he talks to, I'm betting, on a daily basis. I wish he talked to me like he talks to her. :(

Other than that, there's nothing big going on, minus my medication.

Update for 29 September 2008...Part 2?

2008-09-30T16:22:00.002-04:00

I'm almost out of Abilify which isn't good. My appointment at the Bermingham Clinic got cancelled...which isn't good because the two are connected. :'( I didn't have to go to school today and when I told Colin about it he basically was like "Why?"

I'm having an okay day so far. How are you?

Update for 29 September 2008

2008-09-29T19:23:00.003-04:00

So I've just about finished my first month of school for my Senior year and I'm okay with that because it means I'm one month closer to graduation (w00t!) and college. To be honest, I'm excited and afraid of going to college. I'm excited because I'll be on my own. I won't have to hear my mother and sister fight over the remote (playfully...but those shrill voices make me want to slaughter them.) But I'm scared at the same time to be out on my own. I'm afraid of the world and everything in it. All the bad guys. Maybe I've been reading too much news and the like, but that's how I feel at this point in time. Hopefully that outlook will change. I would sincerely like for that outlook to change because I know I can't walk around for the rest of my life afraid at everything. I know that, I think I realize that. Maybe I don't 'cause if I did, I wouldn't be writing things like that, I don't think. You know?

But, other than that, it's Mid-Marking Period and reports are coming in the mail. Minus the Psychology paper I did not do on a mental health career (mostly because I could not find ANYTHING I could use. :( ), I'm doing pretty damn okay in school. Mentally...well, put like this. 35mgs of Thorazine works because I'm not hearing the voices anymore (least not at this moment as I'm typing...or all day for the last few days....the people I know should be glad to hear that.) It's also HSPA (High School Proficiency Assessment) make up week this week. Students who did not take or failed parts of the HSPA have this week to make it up or get a better grade. As a result, most kids in my English class were not there. Everyone was there in my Geometry class, but everyone in my Geometry class are Sophomores, Juniors and Seniors. In fact, I think I am one of the few Seniors in my Geometry class. In the minority. Just like in German class. I'm one of the oldest in my class. There's another seventeen year old, but I don't know when his birthday is. :( I'd like to know if I'm the oldest out of everyone (next to Frau Charlesworth) there.

Speaking of German, I got a C on my test (27/35 points). Not bad. A friend of mine would have hit the roof if he found out I got a C. I think he thinks I'm super girl or something like that and expects me to make all A's--not impossible, but still....a C is passing in my opinion (and in my mother's). I think that you just have to try hard enough to pass. If you want more, you go for more. It's that simple.

On Friday we played volleyball because it was wet and disgusting outside to play softball (thank goodness...I don't like softball in the slightest. Don't ask me why I signed up. Maybe it's because I needed to do something in Gym before I flunked out.

And speaking of Gym, I've been crying a lot in that class. I don't know if it is a side effect of 35mgs of Thorazine (I'll have to look that up) or my Abilify...or it's just because I'm a bit off like that. It's around the same time everyday lately--around 2pm or so. And people are just like "Why are you crying?" and it's just like....I don't know why I'm crying, I just know I am. And it's not cool at all. Nope, I don't think so. I cried in Volleyball on Friday, and I don't know why. I cried the first week of Gym, and I don't know why. I cried in softball, and I don't know why. I once cried in Geometry, and I don't know why. I don't know why I'm in this crying state of mind. Maybe it's because Mr. Pursell was going too fast for my liking? Maybe it's because I just felt the need to cry. Why, though? Why, why, why? What can I do to stop it from falling apart and to keep me from unraveling anymore than I am. I mean, I can't drop out of school.....as much as I love my mother, I want my kids to have better than I had. Living in and out of hotel rooms and constantly moving. I don't want for my kids to go through that, you know?

I'm glad if you made it this far down. Congrats :) This is a long blog, but I just kept on typing and typing.

Minus the fact that I won't go to bed until after 10:30 pm, I'm doing pretty okay, minus the crying.

My Prized Possessions

2008-09-23T20:56:00.001-04:00

I left my journal and my story notebook in my psychologist's office...I really need those back. They're my babies!!!!!!!!

I'll keep you updated as this story progresses.

Update for 17 September 2008

2008-09-17T22:48:00.002-04:00

So I've been a little anxious lately, but I guess that's alright. My English grade is starting to slip because I can't get any work done (because I'm so sleepy and my brain is not working with me). Luckily, my teacher is giving me extra time to make up the work I can't seem to do in class. Journal entries. You'd think that this would be easy for someone who writes and blogs most of the time, right?

Wrong. This [the English journal assignment] does not come easy to me at all. I find it impossible to get out a topic sentence, let alone five of them. Or seven of them. That's hard to me, so I request that I take it home and do it after I have gotten some sleep, you know?

I'm not so scared to go to sleep anymore, but I won't go to bed while my screensaver is running or before 10:30. For some reason, if you have my way of thinking, that seems pretty logical to me. I don't think it would make sense to other people, but it's out there now, and I'm not taking it back.

Goodnight.

Update for 14 September 2008

2008-09-14T10:29:00.003-04:00

I got into Geometry! Yay! But it's hard, though. All of those angles and what not kinda drive me up the wall...and I am determined to pass Geometry...even if I have to take the final to do so! (At my school if you pass the midterm and do well in the third and fourth marking periods you don't have to take the final...but that's only for Seniors and full year classes only) I'm not giving up on Geometry, no no no! I'll ask my teacher for help (and I don't do that often! No seriously I really don't. I'm just odd like that.) if need be. That's how it will be. I don't mind staying after school for help..because we all know I'll probably be needing it.

German, English and Psychology are my favorite classes despite the fact that after second period starts and I get mid-way through the period I'm ready to go to sleep because I have to take Thorazine in the morning time...35mg of it (it used to be 25mg) and I don't like it, but we (the friends who know and my family) want the voices to go away and stay away, you know?

My therapy so far is going alright...I see her again on this coming Tuesday @ 4:00pm. And then I might see my old psychologist on Friday. So I think that this will be an eventful week.

Now if only I could not cry in Physical Education class...that would be sweet. :) My gym teacher has all my unit (every marking period there are four units that you can choose from....separate from your "grade level" teacher) teachers looking out for me, making sure I don't break down (again). I don't understand why this is happening to me anyway. Maybe it's PMS or maybe it's part of my problems (the doctor I see who prescribes my medications says that we can rule out Bipolar disorder because I don't exhibit any of the symptoms of it....)

But...yea, 12th grade is pretty okay. My sister is a Freshman and were in the same school with my brother who's a Sophomore. What's annoying is that I have to walk my sister to school everyday. One of these days my brother's going to do it. I know it because I can't take it anymore. I just can't. Sometimes it sucks to be the oldest. Why? Because I'm the one stuck with everything! But hey, least I get to graduate first. :)

How's Senior Year Going?

2008-09-04T17:35:00.003-04:00

Senior year is going alright, thanks for asking.

I take (and this is in the process of changing):

Math (changing to Geometry)

English

Creative Writing

American Law

German 1 (so far this is easy)

Psychology

Sociology

Phys Ed

Health

Just oodles of fun. I like English the best so far...and then Psychology & everything else is lumped together. :) I have a long paper due for my Psych teacher at the end of the semester...so maybe I should start that now. lol

School :)

2008-08-29T14:44:00.000-04:00

School starts in just a few more days & I'm ready to go!

2008-08-24T11:26:00.002-04:00

Days go by and I don't remember you

I don't remember a thing

I look around at the things that were once familiar to me

I know that this isn't easy for either one of us

And we both know that I need help

Real help

But where can I get that help from?

The song plays in my head

And I still don't remember

Who are you? What is this? Where am I?

And the voices

They drive me up the wall and won't leave me alone

You know?

Where can I get the help I need when there's nowhere to turn

No place left to go

I don't want to ask you to help me because you helped me enough

Yet there's no place else to go

Anxiety builds up

And releases at the most inopportune times

In front of my friend, for instance

I now hope he doesn't think I'm a freak

He says I scare him somewhat

I was afraid of that

But I needed to know so I can..

Never Mind

You wouldn't get it

I know you wouldn't get it

I'm afraid of just about everything that goes on

And I'm afraid to be out after five pm

My friend understands this to some extent

I don't understand why I am so afraid of things now

Strangers tell me who I am and what I've recently done

Strangers are the ones who are telling me that I'm Aden

I'm seventeen

I'm out of the loop

As is the norm these days

At least for me anyways

Time goes by and I lose my friends

The people that mean the entire world to me

And I am all alone

Just wanting

Wishing

Waiting

For someone to come and find me again

23-8-08 [Update]

2008-08-23T12:17:00.005-04:00

My memory's coming back with my friend's (David's) help. My fire alarm went off this morning and it bugged me out. And last night wasn't good either because I nearly broke down in front of my soon-to-be boyfriend (we're waiting until I'm 18). The voices/noises in my head are really starting to get to me. I don't want to go back to the hospital. No no no! I mean, the last hospital I was in was okay..but i don't want to go back anyways. People were nice, but I don't want to go back to the hospital. If my therapist saw that she'd want to send me to the hospital in a jiffy and most likely without my consent because I would be in a state of turmoil and couldn't speak proper English, if I could speak at all. I remember the first time I was being sent to the hospital. My mom and dad had a fight in front of me and I couldn't deal so I hid underneath my blanket. I couldn't get my thoughts across, really. And it was frightening for me. because I had never done this before. I'd been in an ambulance once when I was 8 because of a bus driver closed the door on my arm (Honest to goodness I did not feel that.), but I somewhat remember that. I remember this recent occurrence very well, thankees much.

But...I'm afraid now that it will happen again. I had dreams of being in the hospital--is this a sign that I have to go back? I just might go back anyways because I don't want to put my soon-to-be boyfriend through this madness. He wouldn't understand, and I won't tell you why he won't understand here.

Updating Once Again

2008-08-19T13:05:00.002-04:00

So yesterday I had an appointment with a therapist. The only thing I know is that I'm going to start "officially" start seeing her the day before school starts (School starts on 3 September; I see her on the 2nd.) Things went okay. My mom came with me so...yea. It was okay. We'll just see what happens next.

Enjoy,

Aden

I'm Alive....I'm Alive!

2008-08-17T12:20:00.001-04:00

Just letting you know I'm still alive. No nightmares....now I'm just afraid to leave my house after 5pm.

I have an appointment tomorrow that I'm going to that will help me deal with this stuff.

--Aden

Poem for 5-8-08

2008-08-05T20:45:00.001-04:00

Things seem to have gotten worse
I'm afraid to step out of my house
I'm afraid to sleep and dream
So I stay in and stay up, slowly consumed by fear
A fear of being kidnapped
A fear of being raped
A fear of being shot

I think that people--ordinary people--are out to hurt me
And I get scared and play fucked up scenarios in my head
Scenarios that will eventually leave me chained to my apartment

And things don't get better at night, either
At night I'm trying to avoid nightmares
Wanting dreamless sleep
Craving it like Vanilla ice cream
Wanting it like money
Wanting a dreamless sleep

So, you see, things have gotten worse
I'm afraid to sleep, and I'm afraid to leave my house
It's just one big mess

The Last Days of Summer--Day 32

2008-08-01T11:05:00.002-04:00

Well, in dear ol' America (and other parts of the world), it's August 1, 2008--and that means school, if it hasn't started already, will be starting soon (I know a girl who goes back to school on August 11--that's before most of my friends (I'm pretty sure) head back to their dorms and the like). In about thirty days we go back and live amongst the books and our friends we haven't seen in three months...and of course that means things start to become interesting again.

Hopefully. I mean, I'll be living in my psychology book for half the year, and then I'll drown myself in my Sociology book the other half of the year. My English book will always be lugged home, along with my Geometry, Spanish III and German I books. And my health book in the Spring :) Yay! (I'm being semi-sarcastic)

So, until I'm actually back in school, I might be talking about it a bit too much. In that case, just tell me to take a chill pill, I'll be back before I know it and blah, blah, blah. :)

In Other News...

No nightmares :)

Part 2 from Last Night

2008-07-30T17:30:00.003-04:00

No nightmares last night, scared earlier this afternoon for no reason that I know of or remember....and why am I so freaked to tell one of my best friends this. I mean, it's not like he won't be there for me, because he will. It's just like...oh, I don't know why I'm so freaked out to tell him about this. I feel like that there is (and I know I've said this once before) no one around. I know people are, but I don't like dragging people down with my problems and issues and things, especially since that is all I seem to have these days. Problem on top of problem on top of problem. If I'm not anxious, I'm hearing voices; if I'm not hearing voices, then I'm freaked at the prospect of going outside, afraid that I'll be shot or kidnapped or what have you. So, I keep my problems inside, knowing that there are people who want to help, and they know who they are, and I know they mean well. But it's like...I want them to know the happy things about me too, and right now I don't think I know how to let people in on both and let them know when I am having a problem and when there's a whole bunch of good going on as well, you know?

I don't know if it is just me, but in the end....Look at me, I'm a mess. I can't even leave my house without thinking that I will be hurt now, and I don't know how to communicate that to my friends just yet. I mean, I told one of my closest friends I'd keep him updated, but I'm afraid to tell him this..and why should I be afraid to--my friends are all nice enough and everything. So...why? Why am I afraid to confide in my friends when I probably need them the most?

comments appreciated

Part 2

2008-07-29T22:19:00.001-04:00

Slightly scared to go to sleep, but I'll try anyways. We'll see what happens when I post here tomorrow.

Goodnight.

What Next?

2008-07-29T09:49:00.004-04:00

When I go outside, I think that everyone wants to hurt me--granted, there might be people out there who do want to hurt me--but I don't think everyone wants to hurt me, no.

It's an annoying feeling, actually, to be scared of everyone (or almost everyone) you come in contact with. Things seem to take longer than usual because it's like "Is this person going to try and hurt me?" "Are they going to shoot me--Do they have guns?" and it is very annoying and frightening and, I think, leaves me a mess in the end.

And while I'm thinking about it...I'm out of it more lately. I mean, yea, my memory is (as far as I know) intact and working, but I feel out of it and restless at times, mostly around 4 and 7 or 8pm. There's a store called Save A Lot right near where I live (it's not a long walk) and sometimes I have people wonder because I go in there at least 2 times a day because I get so bored and riled up that I have to volunteer myself (despite the fact that I'm afraid of being hurt everytime I step foot out of my apartment and down the flight of stairs and out of the main door) to go to the store to buy things for my mother, brother or sister.

I'm just one big mess.

Update--26 July 2008

2008-07-26T10:45:00.002-04:00

I'm not having nightmares now...instead I'm somewhat paranoid about being shot everytime I step foot out of my house and out into the real world. It's just started to recently happen. What's worse (and my parents don't know yet) is that sometimes I think of hurting other people and that's just not cool. I don't want to go back to the hospital at all. No no no. I do not want to go back to the hospital.

Right now, I don't know how to control it or anything. I just know it's there and I don't like it in the slightest.

Although

2008-07-16T23:52:00.002-04:00

I'm sleepy, yet I don't want to go to sleep. I should have been in bed an hour ago....but, I don't want to go to sleep right now. I feel scared to go to sleep.

Untitled 2

2008-07-15T08:01:00.001-04:00

No nightmares last night, and hopefully the fear of having one won't incapacitate me.

Untitled

2008-07-14T21:36:00.002-04:00

I've found a new kind of music to help me sleep to, but now I'm afraid to go to sleep because I'm afraid the music won't work and I'll have nightmares. I was scared last night, and the night before and the night before that I think. Yes, I was and it's not particularly pleasant to know that you are afraid to fall asleep. I would rather fall asleep and wake up super early and have no nightmares than to wake up at x am/pm and have had several nightmares. Maybe I'm being irrational, but right now I don't care. I'm too scared to go to sleep. I'm afraid of the possibility of the fact that I will have nightmares and keep having them. I know I"m afraid of that. I want to tell a friend of mine but he's got so much going on I'd rather not tell him until later, if later comes.

I'm tired, but I'm scared to sleep right now. Maybe in an hour or so...

So, A Different Kind of Music Does Help?

2008-07-13T08:59:00.002-04:00

I think a different kind of music helped me to better sleep last night. No wacked out dreams that involve naked little boys or gunshots and almost being shot.

Normally, I sleep to the opening theme to The Rage: Carrie 2 that can be found here (it's the very first song you will see.). Last night I listened to Ocean of Sorrows Intro in G Minor (and I can't find that right now for you to listen to) I slept the same, but me being weird like that seemed for me to help prevent nightmares.

By the way, if you know of any FREE dream dictionaries available for download, please let me know. :)

No Sleep

2008-07-12T21:12:00.002-04:00

I've been having bizarre dreams lately and I'm so scared I'll have another one that I don't want to go to sleep. What I'm going to do is change the music I've been listening to while I sleep. If that doesn't work, then I don't know what I'll do. I'm a mess. A complete mess.

Updating You Again

2008-07-10T19:09:00.002-04:00

Yes, I know it's been awhile. It's summer and I haven't been as busy as I planned. By the way, anyone looking for the "Summer Before the End" blog should know I've deleted that because it was an unnecessary blog, and a waste of my time.

As far as my mental stability is concerned, it's alright. Better than last month, if you ask me. Just feeling depressed--and nothing's going on! Nothing in the slightest is going on. I'm just depressed.

It doesn't help that I'm apparently Bipolar. :( and that I'm being ditched entirely for another girl and what not....I'm a wreck. A total wreck.

Hey, Aden, at least you hear the voices less.

Update Again

2008-06-06T20:44:00.002-04:00

I've been diagnosed with Non-Specific Psychosis--or, as it says on my discharge papers from the last hospital I was at, "Psychosis NOS". Now, I'm all curious and as a result I'm going to look that up when I get the chance to do so.

The program I am in now is alright. I can't say much about it because today was my first day and I don't go back until Monday, so....yea. I don't think I can say much without breaking confidentiality, so I won't say anything at all.

We'll see what happens, I'll keep you updated.

What's Happened to You?

2008-06-03T05:07:00.001-04:00

Make a long story short. I've been in the hospital for a whole bunch of stuff.

Back in action for the rest of the week....now I just need to look up psychosis.

What Is Going On?

2008-05-20T17:13:00.002-04:00

Today, yesterday and Sunday I swear I was going through something. It might have been withdrawal--I'm slightly addicted to cough drops. Or whatever else, but I was just....scared. I don't feel safe within me, I feel like I am losing my mind or something--I'm serious! This isn't normal, and I'm always cold and shaking now. It's only a matter of time until someone notices and decides that I should not be a part of society...

What....what's happened? [Update]

2008-05-04T21:57:00.004-04:00

http://www.postpoems.com/members/fallen_warrior

You are strongly encouraged to click that link and read the poems in the folder entitled "Violations"

I'm sitting here in the middle of being extremely lost. It's like a puzzle, and I've only half the pieces. If I go to school I will surely die of extreme anxiety that is impossible to tell anyone about because it can be misseen--I will not post that here.

But, seriously, I spent a lot of time on Wikipedia looking up hysteria, anxiety and amnesia--because I remember that happened. I was hysterical beyond belief, and I don't understand why. Nothing on wikipedia matches the symptoms I've said. The only thing that might make sense was I believe Lacunar amnesia, loss of memory on one specific event--and looking back on that not even it makes sense because I don't have any recollection about anything really. About anything. I'm literally trying to reconstruct myself, and I don't find it to be easy. It's like...nothing makes sense, I don't remember almost anything. I barely remember who I am.

I'm very lucky all my passwords are the same...I just hope I remember the combination to my locker...

If you're reading this and you know me, you have anything to jog my memory, please just call or leave a comment and we will see what happens...if you think you know why this is happening, just leave me a comment on that too. Anything helps now.

This shouldn't be happening if I'm telling a friend a story. Sure, I've got nervousness about that, but never to the point where I'm losing my mind over it...that's un-Aden like, I think.

Back in Class....What's New?

2008-05-04T08:45:00.002-04:00

Well, Friday I was back in school. It was kinda easy, but the shock I caused! I caused shock in Child Study (if you know me, or even just in general you know what this is) when I went for my meeting on Thursday--I had to attend that, I'm like 98% sure that it's law. I went, and my Case Manager was like "What happened?" and everything. So I told her. She was shocked. My English teacher, when I came in on Friday, was shocked. She looked horrified, actually. So much for the extension on the English essay, huh?

People--all the really immature ones, anyways--asked me about the fight and did I win. I don't give two shits about whether or not I won. Why is that so important these days? Chris R was ready to slaughter Lyndell though. I told him because I hadn't been in English for three days straight--and Chris R is one of those people who know me really well. So I told him. He didn't care whether or not I won--he wanted to serve justice.

All in all, it felt weird. Know what's weirder? Being in school, on school grounds, while you are suspended. That felt the weirdest....

What....what's happened?

2008-05-04T08:36:00.002-04:00

I don't get it, last night I'm crawling up and down my walls, freaking out. I can kinda remember that, but nothing else when you stop & think about it. Like...what happened? Why did it happen?

That's all I think about these days...what's happened? I was surprised to see my phone when I hung up it said 1hour, 6minutes and 20seconds pretty much around 12am this morning. I had freaked out for the better part of thirty minutes. I don't understand it....it's weird, it's strange, it's never happened that bad before....and it's driving me up the wall because something's wrong with me and I don't know what.

Anxiety that bad.....never had it that bad before. Ever, in the past three years, unless you count the very first one, which was two hours long, but involving less hysteria. Just shredding paper. I don't do that now....not so much. It's frightening, I scared people--hell, I scare people as it is....this has never happened before. It's like I'm not even here anymore because I don't remember anything really. I'm disoriented. Whatever's happened in the past roughly 12hours I don't remember. I just have to listen to music to keep me sane otherwise I think it will be worse than that....

What's happened?

"The Masque of the Red Death"

2008-05-01T15:07:00.003-04:00

"The Masque of the Red Death" by Edgar Allan Poe is a short story that takes place during the Middle Ages when the Bubonic Plague hits, leaving many people dead. The main character, Prince Prospero, decides to abandon his people, save for one thousand, and holds himself and the one thousand lucky in his abbey to try to "escape" Death. Symbolism is crucial to the theme of this story.

Seven pops up once in the story. The abbey that Prospero and the one thousand are staying in has seven rooms, all different colors--blue, purple, green, orange, white, violet and black. These could be all the stages that a person might go through in life before they die, with the ebony clock perhaps being Death's summoning. The clock and the "monotonous" sound it emits at every hour symbolizes how quickly life is passing and that we shouldn't take advantage of it--or try to escape it. These people knew that, and, as a result, they paused when ever the clock struck, however long it struck for. Poe even says himself when he is describing how everyone stops their "evolutions" just to "hearken the sound" and wonder....is this the last day that I am here?

When Death finally comes, he sees Prince Prospero and moves away, going towards the black room. Prospero, furious now at this....person who dares to disrupt the masquerade, chases after him to unmask him and hang him at sunrise. He chases him all the way to the black room, and Death ended up using his own weapon on Prospero, who is prostrate on the floor, dead. The masqueraders, coming to their senses more or less, rush towards Death...and they die. The blue room could symbolize the beginning of life, and black could symbolize it's end. The colors in the middle are just...the colors in the middle, the other stages that a person goes through before they die and are buried.

Day Three/iPod Update

2008-05-01T15:00:00.002-04:00

Alright...suspension update first.

Today's the last day before I go in for a full day tomorrow and do work and take my Science test (can we spell 'blegh"?) and what not. Everyone's surprised that I got suspended. Like...what the fuck? Aden got suspended?

I would not be surprised if everything was burning to smithereens in P4 if that were the case. :)

We'll see what happens tomorrow in SI...because I won't fight the cunt anymore unless I have to--like he fucks with my brother. Then it's war, and I don't care if no college will take me then.

In other news....

I FOUND MY IPOD! HELL YES!

"How Could This Happen to Me?"

2008-04-30T16:31:00.002-04:00

How am I supposed to survive this world without my pride and joy?

How am I supposed to survive the world without my iPod?

I've lost my iPod...my buddy. We've been through things....through Sean's stupidness....through Chris M's stupid speeches.....through those long walks around parks & to & from school....through being so upset I could just scream out some L'Âme Immortelle or Evanescence or what have you. Or through being so happy I could just sing "Silver Rain" (L'Âme Immortelle) over and over and over again. Where's that now?

Disappeared, beneath the shadows. What am I to do tonight?

I'll be depraved, nothing but a corpse with the inability to think. I'll go through withdrawal...again. Like the last time I lose my iPod back in September. Anxiety for a few days before I got it back...but, now I fear that I'll never get it back. I don't know where it's gone...and I can't find it!!! I need my iPod like people need a cure for AIDS, like third world countries are in desperate need of food, like people need shelter, like people---oh you get the fucking idea! I'm doomed, I'll spiral out of control--there's nothing in my ears to keep me sane except for when I stay home! The horror!

I'll keep you posted.

Suspension: Day 2

2008-04-30T14:51:00.002-04:00

It wasn't so bad today. It won't be so bad tomorrow. Get to see the gang as well--they know who they are.

If Lyndell is expecting an apology, at the moment he is wishing for too much, despite the dream that I had. It was of him apologizing to me...and me doing the same. I meant it in my dream--as of right now I do not mean it, and I would be wasting my breath on saying I'm sorry right now. So I won't say it.

Punishments have no effect on me. I am apathetic about them.

Let's see how tomorrow goes.

On the First Day of Suspension....

2008-04-29T16:24:00.002-04:00

Well, nothing happened much, really. I had to do a little manual labor today, and I'll probably have manual labor to do tomorrow. Thursday I get off because of my meeting (and as a result go to school twice :) fun). We'll see.

Have I learned my lesson? Maybe, because I might do it again. Lyndell has gotten off one time too many, and hopefully I was able to shrink his overgrown, prissy head. If not, well, then I'll just have to execute my story then, won't I? We'll see...because I've got the idea in my head, and I just have to post the fucker online...

His [Lyndell's] friend, Mariah, always said that one day I'd go off. Well, yesterday was that day. I don't take kindly to the fuckers who think they are so much better than everyone for one reason or another. I don't take it from anyone older than me...I don't take it from anyone younger than me [that girl in question knows who she is.]. I don't take it from anyone.

Anyways, that's that. He's got it coming, and I'm coming in early to pick up some work....fun..oh well, we'll see what happens. I won't be surprised if all of my teachers sent me "What's happened?" notes. Again, we'll see....

Surreality

2008-04-28T14:42:00.002-04:00

So, today was very, very weird. I got into a fight with Lyndell Fields--remember him? Anyways, it was kind of exhilarating to go and do that to the little fucker. He's had it coming. He's one of those people who might seem to have it coming from a lot of people. He's annoying like that.

So, anyways, he thought I called him a "freaking cunt." in Study Hall--like the tail end, the ass end of the period. Granted, the word is in my ever-extensive (not) vocabulary, but I don't go around using it unless I feel the very strong need to. I didn't today, but he [Lyndell] had said "Watch your goddamn mouth"--and I'll tell you right now, I don't watch nothing for supercilious fuckers. He mentioned the pretzel he was holding--he said that he was going to stick the pretzel up my ass. Nice move, Lyndell, nice move.

I called him a coward. By my definition, a coward is:

1. Someone who threatens a girl without cause

2. Someone who backs out on their word

And I told him that--been meaning to for a while now. I wasn't going to take his shit, so I pushed him out of my way, and he hit me. So, I rammed back up against him, next thing I know I was on the ground, and from an outsiders perspective, it might look like I'm blowing him through his pants--I wouldn't blow him if I had the chance. The bastard....

So I did what I could--don't have a scratch on me :D, but I have three days suspension. I'm only to come in on Wednesday and Thursday to pick up my work, and Thursday afternoon for my IEP meeting, then I'm not to talk to any student when I'm coming in for it...or out when I'm leaving.

To be honest with you, I don't think the Vice-Principal wanted to suspend me because I've not seen him all year--but he couldn't let me off, either. Unfortunately, this happens when I'm on the brink of losing credit in Gym....and IMO, but I've a better chance of escaping with a good mark in there than in Gym.

So, that's that. I'm on suspension for fighting a fucker I would have fought no matter how you cut the cake. At least a few people I know will be glad not to see him.....I won't be surprised to see notes on all my work that say "What happened?" because everyone who knows me, knows that I'm not a troublemaker and that I'm an Angel. Heh, Angel my ass....I'm no Angel.

So, yeah. 3 days, not bad. My boyfriend, David, kinda went through the roof, I think. But I won't elaborate on that. Oh well.

Toodles, I suppose.

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Stumme Schreie"] (Single Version)

2008-04-23T17:43:00.002-04:00

You know how when you haven't talked to someone in almost a million years, figuratively speaking, of course? Like, to the point where you have forgotten how to speak to them.

That happened to me. I was going through a miniature conversation I had with my friend this morning--around midnight--and I had realized that I did not ask him how he was doing...I thought what he said was how he was doing and, as a result, forgot to ask how he was...so I'm going to do that now.

I wonder, now, how do you forget how to talk to someone, despite the fact that it has been a while?

Choices--We All Have Them

2008-04-20T14:55:00.005-04:00

I'm actually listening to Jimmy Eat World ["May Angels Lead You In"] at the moment.

Choices--after what's going on, I think I just want to talk about them now or something to that effect.

Seriously, though, these choice things...we've all got them, we all just don't use them.

So, you could take a person who's got very "my kid has no say in his/her future" kind of parents. The dad is a sports fanatic, particularly lacrosse. He wants his son to take part in it in high school & onward to college and what not.

Thing is though, this son has no interest in lacrosse whatsoever. He enjoys football a lot. When it comes time to ask him to sign the papers, his dad has a fit and punishes the son for following through his desires--exercising the choice to go with his heart, not with what his dad says.

Or, how about this?

Take the same dad, and the same son---just add a daughter, she wants to be a middle school science teacher, the mother wants for her to study law, so she arranges all of her classes. September comes, and this girl is pissed, so she goes to her Guidance counselor, complaining about her classes. She's got a choice--to stick with the schedule her mom planned out, riddled with classes she would never take [save for the ones she needs to take], or to try and change this schedule and get somethings that she will enjoy doing.

Now, the kids don't plot the parents murder, but, do you see where I am getting with this? Naïvety or not, everyone has a choice--to make or receive a call, to keep or change a schedule, or to just simply follow your heart--the possibilities are endless.

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Silver Rain"]

2008-04-17T23:34:00.002-04:00

Okay, so this is nothing--and I do mean nothing--new for you. I mean, get real, I'm seventeen. What do we know?

Anyways, I think my friend Chris (R) is acting a bit odd towards me lately. Maybe it is because he is not feeling well, but he's acting odd, I think. Sure, he gave me the semi-obligatory gum ninth period--but he ditched me today! Yesterday was nothing, sure, he's got a girlfriend to attend to, and I get that....but what happened to your friends? There's a group of Freshmen (his "Pet Freshmen" he calls them) he hangs out with every single day during our lunch period--and he wasn't with them all period, he wasn't even in the cafeteria. That's something, something's up with Chris. I don't think his girl is behind it--what can she do? If she's jealous of me, she needn't be--I won't steal Chris away from her. I've got more pride than that. I really, truly think I do. He thinks he's sick--but why shouldn't he say hi, or apologize for when he ditches me?

Like, I am not really, really mad about it, because it's happened before and I think I've started to become immune to being left behind. I just wonder why Chris is acting so different and abandoning his friends? Are we not good enough for him anymore?

[In This Moment/"Prayers"]

2008-04-16T18:16:00.002-04:00

Right, I told you I'd be back in a moment. This'll be just a quickie I suppose because I'll be leaving in a bit.

You know how it feels when someone isn't there in your life anymore for one reason or another, and it really, really hits home, like a bullet ripping through flesh (crap analogy, let's keep going...)?

That's how I feel. I feel numb, cold, a void just taking up space. I am literally just walking, talking flesh. I don't think I can feel much these days. I just feel empty, like a void. There's nothing for me it seems.

*****This is not a suicide note. I don't do that stuff online*****

In This Moment/"When the Storm Subsides"]

2008-04-16T16:46:00.003-04:00

Wow, today I was midly angry and very, very sad. A lot can contribute to that these days. Like, the smallest thing can set me off these days. Like, everything to poetry to working on something to things people say. I'm very...not Aden right now, and it's hard to deal with, what with everything else.

But, seriously though, very small things can send me crying or screaming or hitting my locker. My friend Chris R had to go see his girlfriend--which was fine & I told him so when he apologized to me in ninth period English class--but I didn't know that earlier. See, we have this thing (so I don't feel entirely left out & because I'm one of Chris' friends) where we go up to meet his girlfriend before sixth period (Lunch is fifth). I don't have a problem with his girlfriend, but that's his girlfriend for crying out loud. I don't meddle in people's love affairs unless I am asked to do so or something warrants an investigation and I'm trying to find out what's going on with my friend. Then, probably as a last resort, I will go to my friend's significant others. That's another Aden thing, I suppose. I try not to meddle in others' affairs. And yet I want to study law or psychology, both of which deal with people's issues. Heh.

I'm hitting lockers because hitting people has lost its satisfaction. I'll be honest with you. I've hit a few people this year--about five or so, and I've kicked one person. I do it when teachers aren't looking because most teachers don't notice what I'm doing; I'm a good student to them and them finding out that I've hit people is like....a straight A-student for his entire school career working at a mediocre place like McDonald's when he's thirty. That shouldn't happen because it's just wrong and uncool (yet the wrong and uncool happen anyways. Life's mean like that.). But...seriously. You know what I did after Chris R told me that he was sorry for leaving me? I cried, just a bit. I cried. Everything just seems impossible to do and a nightmare to even attempt. I left my IMO class because I wouldn't do my test--yet I would willingly do my Health paper on anxiety disorders. Just so you know, I think I've got them, so this is good for all of us to learn a little something about that. I've been told that I have a anxiety disorder from Chris M (most everyone I know is named Chris...please bear with me.) on 5 December 2004. He's got about the same thing. He has panic attacks. But I'll leave you alone on this for right now because I've got more thoughts poring in and I don't want to put them here and have your eyes hurt even more.

I'll be back in a moment. Comments are nice but not required.

[Tribal Ink/"Refugee"]

2008-04-15T17:07:00.002-04:00

Ever since my friend's death, I've been an absolute mess. Sure, my boyfriend, David, has been there (and for this I thank him) and my other friend (who I sometimes can not stand. His name is also Chris.) as well. But I'm screwed up inside, and it's not because of PMS or what have you. I have never ever felt like this before.

Anxiety, anger and sadness and extreme happiness all take turns in this. It's like a cycle. I think they are mood swings, but hey, I'm not qualified for that. I'm no Freud or who-have-you. But, I don't think that this is normal in any case. Seriously. Like Sunday I was extremely happy, Monday I was extremely upset with mild anger & anxiety and today, Tuesday, I felt extreme happiness again before I fell asleep (talking to my boyfriend no less), then I felt a little anxiety. No anger though (unless you count the five minutes staring at Chris Raymond's Freshman table and thinking about how odd it was that he was not there...). Nothing extreme like hitting, kicking and slamming the lockers at my school or yelling at Lyndell and saying that he is supercilious (I learned that word from reading The Great Gatsby in English class--we just finished that book a bit ago. Now we're doing poetry & stuff) or what have you.

But, anyways, yesterday (before Chris M comes by). I was already upset to begin with. Then that went away, and I was extremely angry in Health class....and then in Math I just cried. My case manager telling me I did not get extended time pushed me over the edge. I almost cried in History. I wanted to die wholeheartedly. I couldn't do this.

And with that, I leave you.

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Forgive Me"]

2008-04-08T09:03:00.003-04:00

Okay, fine. It was the first song I could think of. I'm just here to let everyone who reads this (no one) that I'm still here. Just busy with stuff and life and everything.

Today in Gym was a day of apathy. After yesterday I felt like I needed it. The only reason I did Gym and let my feet carry themselves over there on my way to from the CVS (a major Nottingham hangout...and you really shouldn't hang out there because the store people get mad (I've witnessed this--today actually, just as I was going in with my six dollars and change to buy a Powerade that was going to cost me less than what I had (in a good way).) was because I heard the five minute bell--I don't ignore that unless I'm not around. Today I was--and I really can't afford another late, sit out or absence (I'll be absent on the sixteenth to go to the dentist--cringe.). The dentist will be my ninth (I oversleep, and where I am 3 lates=1 absence, and if there's one thing I"m not it's on time. Seriously). Then I'll have to come to school every stinking day--at least for Gym--and sweat my ass off.

Let me tell you how in hell I ended up in a first period underclassmen (yes, if you wanted to look at it a certain way I am an underclassmen too...but this is like underclassmen that makes me feel old and ancient.) Physical Education class.

Last year I come here--new, fresh from Lawrence High (having missed about three weeks spent on talking to my friends who have either left me or are in College now.). Do Gym--fucking pool and all those unprepareds in Flag Football--ick. No--it was annoying and I was going through some stuff at the time (like newschoololdfacephobia???), so I stopped Gym for a while. I stopped for too long. The result. 10th grade gym---ick. ick ick.

I should get out of here though. I have Health.

What I came here to say was why are people just so annoying stupid? Seriously. It's just...annoying. We had a quiz yesterday. I took mine home. It was a history quiz. The person next to me forgot their notes and tried to mooch off mine and I told him no.

More on that later. I have to go. I don't want to.

And just so people know--L's getting it.

30-3-08 [L'Ame Immortelle/"Life will never be the same again"]

2008-03-30T14:50:00.003-04:00

She sits, thinking about you

The ice cream bar in her hand

Music shining through the night, like a beacon

She sits, thinking about you still

The ice cream bar melts down her arm

Stickying her fingers, hiding the nail polish

The juices run down her arm in a frenzy

She doesn't notice, she's thinking about you the whole time

For David

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Forgive Me"]

2008-03-29T01:20:00.002-04:00

Every sound sends a shiver down my spine

I think my phone is vibrating, when it is a sound from my brother's room

I think I can hear my computer pinging (in some cases it is) when it is just my music

Or sounds in the living room

I'm in love with you, and ordinary sounds sound frightening

They don't sound like what they should

Or they do, but I've come so accustomed to the sounds that most things sound like them now

And I never sleep, up waiting for you and my music there's really no need

I'm content, even if I do fall asleep, waking only for a text message or two

I'd give almost anything just for a bit of reality, just to hear your voice

I know what's going on, but the knowing doesn't keep me from wanting

Keep me steady, keep me sane

I go blank when I run out of things and don't know what to say

But, I can't sleep, I don't want to sleep and break the spells that linger

I skated two days ago, and for the time I had wheels beneath me, it was weird, I felt uneven

Skating up and down, and down and up

At the end I sit next to a friend, completely out of the loop

My mind thinking only about you and what happened before I let myself skate up and down and back in a skirt, my phone not very far from me

Wanting to stay in touch with you

I'd give almost anything just to call you again, but I can't

And you know I can't, it kills me

Every sound I hear sends a shiver down my spine

I think my phone is vibrating, when it's just noise from my brother's room

I think I hear my computer pinging (in some cases it is) when it is just my music

Or sounds in the living room

I'm content, awake or asleep, waiting for a text message or two

The others should be coming in a day or two.

For David

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Judgement"[as performed by Faith and the Muse]]II

2008-03-23T01:02:00.002-04:00

Have you ever had that zoomy feeling when you're giddy, or just ever?

If so, perhaps you might relate. If not...maybe read on?

This zoomy feeling is weird and tends to come when you're scared, in love, or giddy. You feel like the world might be spinning way too fast and nothing might make sense. You spin, and it tends to be a pleasant feeling, save for when you're scared. I think I'm having this feeling. I think, and I have this feeling. I guess it's a good thing.

I wonder where this feeling will lead me?

In Strictest Confidence [Evanescence/"Anywhere"]

2008-03-19T11:18:00.002-04:00

For Christian Marchetti...unless my business must be told, whatever I tell you is in confidence. Therefore, you need to keep your mouth shut.

I told you this
In strictest Confidence
And you're dropping bombs about it
I told you this
Only to be shot down
In strictest Confidence I told you this
And it means absolutely nothing to you

So much for that...in strictest confidence

[Evanescence/"Anywhere"]

2008-03-19T11:10:00.002-04:00

I wondered how long it would be before the ink sets down and dries
I now wonder how long it would be before the tears fell

You break my confidence and now you break me
Take the fragile material and rip it up and tear it down
These words don't approximate my feelings, no matter how wretched they are
I don't think my words do--approximate my feelings

There's all the pretending, the circulating of letters and words
Most of them fictitcious and cruel
No one really knows the full story, no one bothers to ask
And I can't be bothered with the "deaf"
That is, the people who can hear and won't bother comprehending

People constantly condemn in supercilious tones and it
Kills me

I want for you to come and find me
And take me to where you live, to the beach and just stay with me
Even though dependence is my undoing

I want to be free, I've always wanted to be free
Free of what Society says
Following my will...not God's

I stopped because it wasn't for me
The singing and the what not
Feeling a sense of unease
I left

Where are you when I need you, Dear?
I love you, I miss you
Please, won't you find me?

[Casting Crowns/"Does Anybody Hear Her"]

2008-03-19T11:00:00.002-04:00

I know this is a "Christian" band, but over a year ago I found this song via a mention of it in someone's poem. The song doesn't seem that way, though. The following is NOT a suicide note (why in hell would I put that on a site no one might ever see??), but simply emotions.

No one really truly sees me
All they see are the negative things
And nothing positive
Nothing truly worth remembering
Nothing significant
Just music that makes people's ears rot

I just wish that they could see the kind of person that thrives
Underneath the black disposition and behind blue glasses
I seem to fall behind, and never catch up
And why should I, really?
So I can be mocked?

There is no Prince Charming
Nothing of the sort here
Not in my immediate vicinity
He's in a faraway land, too far for comfort

I just have to wonder if it's worth it sometimes
To continue fighting through
I know people who don't want to see me drown
But they can't see through my mask
Can they?

What are your closest friends if they can't see through the mascara
The bronzer, the blush, the lipstick and the tan? (There's more to it)
Beneath that is the breaking, the creaking, the shrieking and the crying
Floors below, the lower the sadder and twice as desolate

I can't wait, and trust is a miniature option
The pen moves, just as the tears down my face and the
Gun through my hands, kissing my temple
Thumb on the trigger
They course down my face in rivers
Hand quivering
The trigger pulled, the sound never heard
And there I am, in a better place

My pain's over, my searching done
Nothing to remember her by

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Calling"] II

2008-03-19T10:57:00.002-04:00

I also wrote this in SI

"Can you hear (can you hear) me calling?
(Are you listening to me?)
Can you see (can you see) me falling?"

Perfect blue tears fall from bright green eyes
He'll meet his doom, leaving her like that
Her world shattered, the rain pelting her as she walked
Vengeance

I loved you, why can't you return the favor?
I saw you a long time ago, and i loved you then
I still do. I still do.

Section in quotes is "Calling" by L'Ame Immortelle.

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Calling"]

2008-03-19T10:53:00.002-04:00

This is a poem I wrote in SI today.

"Can you hear me calling
Are you listening to me
Can you see me falling
Or are you too blind to see?"

I want you to find me
Or i just want you to try
There is everything, falling apart
I don't want to do this--I can't move, feeling like lead

There's no way you can see me
There no way you know or hear
I tried, I waited
I called, I failed
And I died. Their Christ.

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Stumme Schreie"]

2008-03-18T23:23:00.002-04:00

"Sag mir: kannst du mich verstehen?"

[According to this link here: http://dictionary.reference.com/translate/index.html , the above means--"Say to me: can you understand me?" I prefer to use it as "Tell me: can [or do] you understand?", but oh well....]

Anyways, that line {From "Stumme Schreie" by L'Ame Immortelle.] is my inspiration for tonight's blog (even if I should be on my way to sleep....).

You know how you tell people something....and then tell them not to tell anyone or you'll slit their throat or whatever your death choice is?....and then they blab anyways and then there's a whole big bang of commotion and yada, yada, yada.

But before they betray your strict confidence, they ask "Why can't I tell?" and it's like.... "It's my business. I'm just telling you. Just because I told you doesn't mean you can go and tell anyone else." And they want something more complex. A simple "This is the way it is...now do me a fucking favor and deal with it" suffices for me. Not most people though. It's like....here's something person A knows....if I tell person A not to tell....person A should keep her mouth shut and if she tells person B then A will get crucified. It's that simple.

So....do we understand. Good. Because....

...people need to stop being supercilious. It's annoying.

[Ceza f/Sagopa Kajmer/"Neyim Var Ki"]

2008-03-14T23:29:00.002-04:00

I'll bet that this a bit off for you. Try the songs on my playlist because I think you'll like them.

In the meantime, I guess you could read this. I take that back...you can read this.

Things are fine, they're okay

I'm just living

I live in rainbow colored lies

I don't know the full difference between reality and fiction

People and chaos are never good

Walking in the hallways and everyone screams over top

Distorting me greatly, never fully understanding

I want them to be mute

[Evanescence/"Everybody's Fool"]

2008-03-13T18:29:00.002-04:00

You know those light up pacifiers people have lately?

I've never understood why in the world people would want them. Seriously, the only time I want to see someone with a pacifier in their mouth is when they're babies. At around my age [because that's the only age group I've seen with them.], it's like sucking your thumb. [I know someone who is almost twenty and still sucks their thumb. Disgusting.] You're not supposed to do it. Light up pacifiers are just not cool in the slightest and should be outlawed. But, because I'm in the minority with that, I suppose they'll be here for a bit longer...

A "Just because" [My sister is destroying my ears at the moment so there's no song for you today.]

2008-03-12T15:41:00.003-04:00

Wanna know what gets annoying?

Other people putting words in your mouth---a very annoying thing indeed.

Fine, this is just an update. I have nothing "great" or "amazing" for you or anything like that...I'm just here.

I'll definitely be around to edit this, the music is killing me.

Music is very best friend....people [for the most part] aren't because you are easily let down that way.

--Aden

[Soilwork/"Soilworker's Song of the Damned"]

2008-03-02T11:34:00.003-05:00

I was actually going to post something earlier this morning, but changed my mind. I should be working on my Pool and English Papers, due Monday and Tuesday, right now. :)

You know how people are always asking if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, and then try to hook you up with someone who isn't your type and they & you both know this?

Well, this happened to me. And I don't like it, for the most part, when people try to hook me up. So I said I had someone. And that was blown out of fucking proportion. So I got on them....it's not their concern as to whether or not I have someone who's keeping me happy. And if not, that's more of a cause for them to hook me up with Denzel, a boy who every girl (who *might* hate me with a passion) likes trying to pair me up with. That's just fucking annoying.

It's like a game of Connect Four and the black player has three in a row and no matter where red goes he's in a fucked position. Say yes and these girls try to put you with someone. Say no and the same thing happens. Drop the red piece to the right, black drops to the left, and the game is won. Drop that red to the left, black to the right, and the game is still won.

So yea, I jumped down a few bitches throats and that might have cost me my job (which is NOT guaranteed because there are eight spots at the camp. I might not even work at the camp, and if that's the case that's even better because the girls in particular are working there (maybe. There are eight spots to be filled.). Maybe I will work at the family preservation center, better known as the FPC. And that's still fine because I love that place because the people are so friendly and everything. I loved what I did the last time I worked there, but hated the cost (one bus ride to and from where I lived with a bunch of kids. Some of them were really nice and did what they were told; others I had to wrestle in the seats just to get their seatbelts on. And afternoons were worse, so after this summer I'm basically done, I'm cutting my time short.). And I'm going to hate the cost this summer I'm thinking, but love what I'm doing. And if I'm working at the camp, well....I'll be breaking more than working and Christian Marchetti will be firing me for not doing my work. I mean, the work is easy at the camp, but you have to have extreme patience for it. I'm patient, but that patience runs away fast underneath a place you got the living shit kicked out of you (figuratively speaking) and lack of air-conditioning in most of the place (save for the art room below).

But anyways, reverting to my original point. Seriously, it's just better to keep your mouth shut (and if you do say you have a boyfriend, don't ever mention sex because then people will think you're a slut or what have you when you really might not be.) So....for your safety and reputation, don't mention that bit, no matter how true it is and will make every girl green with envy. You could, but you might get heartache that way.

I don't live for that kind of thing and if people tell Christian they can go right ahead, but I'll be damned if they twist the story up. He knows what I do, and how I do it. I don't normally jump down other people's throats (although I will admit on Tuesday I will be the AntiChrist, jumping down everyone's throats because I'll be too fried to communicate with anyone. So, if you know me, then expect that for a few days before my finals in June, which seems extremely close. :) That's just the person I am. Granted, I didn't get all bitchy last year, and I don't know why. Freshman year finals came and I was the fucking AntiChrist. I was mean, and I lost my patience a lot. I still remember the time it was me, my brother & sister; a soon to be camp counselor who, for privacy's sake, will not be named; and Christian (tis one of those things I can't understand.....) & we're on our way home, like right down my alleyway, and someone says something and because I'm studying for my impending Modern World Civilizations Final, I was mean. Something we all get over.

And going back still, I don't normally outburst like that unless you're asking me a really stupid question.....right after I said that I didn't know.

I ask if there was an intermission in this play I was going to see, and Chris is like was there one last year (it was at McCarter Theatre, every year they do A Christmas Carol and, for one reason or another, I did not see the 2006 production (or the year before that for that matter), so I asked if there was an intermission, and he asks me like I know. It's like...."I'm asking you because I don't know. If I knew I would not have asked." So fine, that was a shit example, but I don't exactly care about shit examples at the moment. Like...that was just stupid, you know? Completely stupid. I don't know.

Now I'm just going to close this by saying the following:

Keep your nose out of my private life. It's not yours to follow unless I give permission. And even then you better keep your mouth shut.

Ignorance is not bliss......no matter what people say. Going through live oblivious, no matter how neat it sounds, is not worth it in the long run. It just isn't. How can you go through life oblivious is beyond me.

You're no better than me, and I'm no better than you. Anyone I know who thinks like that should expect a crucifixion. We all bleed red, we all breathe the same air, don't we? You're not up on pretty fucking pedestal, because I'll be the one that brings you down and leave you for dead.

[Draconian/"The Amaranth"] (II)*

2008-02-29T00:00:00.002-05:00

*-It's number two on mibba.com

I wrote this yesterday, 28 February 2008

There he is again, that man in a black suit

He continues waiting forever for me, watching me

Stumble and fall--always picking me up from Hell's clutches

He smiled at me, called me Sabrina

When my name is Aden

He walked with me, talked with me

And told me things I don't remember

And even if I did I would not tell you

It's personal, between him and I

Those blue-green-grey eyes stare

Piercing my soul

My knees go weak and my mind goes blank

I let you look, I let you in with your eyes

Search me, Love, and tell me what you see

What you find, search me

Open me up, I'm your book

Read me as we walk down the narrow road

Away from the Light, the pretty things

Towards the Aurora Borealis, towards the inky black sky

Towards fate, towards love, towards my real end

I can only imagine, only wonder what I will see

You finish reading and you embrace me tightly

I smell your smell and I slip...just a bit...in your arms

Holding onto me still, steadfast. And I waited, patiently

He read my mind and said

"You're already there, Love. This is it."

Like the gentleman he is, he kissed my hand

And in a flash was gone

I look up at the Alabaster sky

And contemplated--

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Will you?"

2008-02-28T23:55:00.002-05:00

I wrote this today in SI.

We crashed, hitting the world

Destroying ourselves

She was at the height of her prime

So was he

He came out there in the morning

And called me "Kristen"

He smiled a manic smile

And on wheels we flew

Passing the world, a multicolored wonder

He looked at me

And we Crashed into the multicolored Wonder

Destroying ourselves

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Ich gab Dir alles"]

2008-02-28T23:49:00.002-05:00

This is something I wrote yesterday, 27 February 2008 in English class.

I see him nearby, a blue-green-gray eyed man

A black suit, he waited forever

He watched me fall, and was always picking me up

His smile sad, his eyes understanding

"Are you fine, Aden?" he extends a hand--Pale, but warm in my grasp

I stand, unable to pull away from his grasp

And follow his lead

I wrote a lengthier poem similar to this in my study hall, and I like the longer, myself.

[L'Ame Immortelle/"In the Heart of Europe (zK remix)"]

2008-02-25T23:59:00.003-05:00

***Disclaimer:You've come across my opinions. You might not like them & you are more than welcome to leave and find a blog that's not so....against you. That's fine. Just don't try to convert me in any way, shape or form and we'll be okay***

"Here in the heart of Europe

No one stands up proud no more

Here in the heart of Europe

Our culture is a dying whore"

--L'Ame Immortelle

"In the Heart of Europe"

That's my inspiration this early Tuesday morning when I should be in bed. That, and a friend's blog. And that's simply because I get brain-waves. You might see something about Emily Dickinson on here next (we're studying her in English at the moment, but I really like her work. She's good.)

"Everybody's just consuming

What the media's dictating

But they all have just forgot

The joy that there is to creating."

--L'Ame Immortelle

"In the Heart of Europe"

But seriously, when it comes to stereotypes and what not, I'm thinking that we really do take the media too literally. It's insane. It feels like...no one is making their own opinions anymore. Sure, the TV, full of stuff that's bound to vitiate you (I don't think I used that correctly but I'll push on anyhow.), can be a help to open your mind--especially the Discovery Channel's A Haunting. Now that's something to watch. It's scary, but it's just interesting too, especially when you get even curiouser about it to the point where you're just all....."I've got to read more about it." That's perhaps how things might have been before all this miscellaneous stuff happened. Maybe, and I truly think so.

As the song (rightfully? That's your opinion) says, we just consume what the media's giving us, usually without second thought...without a "maybe..." to come after it. We want the cat good, dead and slaughtered. (You know, "curiosity kills the cat...") There isn't enough curiosity, and as a result, we're just not there anymore. Just shootings and killings and video games...hell, this life is a video game it seems when you look at it from another point of view...if you look at God playing with a constantly refreshed original PlayStation....okay, an XBox and he's controlling all of us using that damned joystick, deciding whether or not he wants to let so many of us die with only one life, bring people into the world screaming and crying, bring them into the world as stillborns, or maybe have a car accident happen. Hm...? Or maybe give someone 3 lives and they don't know that they are on their last one. That's friendly.

It seems like we're dying, we're being slaughtered because we are slaughtering ourselves. When I used to go to church, someone told me that America was "broken", that evangelists were coming to America to fix us. I don't think that's going to work. I'm not saying it won't, I'm just saying that I don't think so. I believe in possibilities, not grandeur so much I don't think, not anymore.

Things seem more or less real...probably less. The world is just....open for slaughter, I suppose with the way we're going what with 9/11, Virginia Tech and what just happened up at North Illinois University, to name a few "shocking" moments. There're more, but I'm trying to stay recent.

Newer music in the Pop genre of things doesn't help either. I don't think we need anymore people for music if they can not do it well. That's just it. Seriously, almost everyone I know knows "Girlfriend", the most annoying song in the history of the music that I've heard and either liked/disliked. That, or "Soulja Boy"....I won't tolerate that song. I'll walk out if I hear it. That means, yes, if some asshole played that horror and I can hear it, I will simply walk out and wait for it to leave. Or ask if I can pull out my iPod. Which I should.

But moving along....now this is becoming a rant. If you want you can always read another blog if you even made it THIS far down the line. Or you can continue reading, trying to make my thoughts make sense. If they don't, leave me a comment, and we'll see if after an explanation it will make more or less sense to you.

We've got to better defend our minds from just processing without thinking. There's got to be some thought along the way.....shouldn't it?

***I might come back to edit this.***

[Vesania/"Posthuman Kind"]

2008-02-19T21:56:00.002-05:00

Otherwise known [the post...not the song, people!] as lack of understanding. I say it so many times it's not enough, but one of my friends has it and it feels like the fucking plague. But, I can't change that, really, can I?

So anyways, I'm in his car [as friends, nothing more, nothing less...he's been doing me favors] telling him about how all of my teachers went essay happy [In preparation for the HSPA], and I couldn't write an essay today for shit....so I told him about how for one of the essays I wanted to write a story & he, being the fucker he can be [no wonder I want to one day crucify him on an inverted cross and leave him as a sacrifice to the first hungry animal who finds him], says that that's an "excuse". Well, if that's so, screw excuses and screw you!

I don't go around making excuses all willy-nilly on a daily basis. I'm not like that--but I'm willing to make a compromise with you. Like "I really can't do this....but I'll do this." This person, this ass, says that that's an excuse for not doing it the right way. Playing on what I've got [anyone I know who's reading this knows what I mean by "what I've got"...and we're NOT talking sex, buddy! Mental shit!] That's annoying when that's out of my control. Can't control what I can't control. Let HIM walk around in my shoes for a day or so....and let him live my life. I'd bet almost anything that he was spoiled...but I won't get into that. I don't feel like it and will make this longer than it is already.

But, in all seriousness though...I wasn't asking for an excuse. Sure, my teachers let me get away with murder--not literally, though,otherwise my thoughts would be a bit sicker, I think--they let me do what I want...and if the ass is thinking something different, perhaps he should get the axe....until he bleeds. But, no, I don't make excuses. They are at liberty to say no--they just don't.

So, are you going to hang me on the inverted cross I speak of, just because my teachers deny me basically nothing. I know what to do, I just don't like the way it's done and have another apporoach as to how it can be done. I know what's an excuse and I know what's not. You don't have my morals and you're surely not living in my head, dude. And trust me, if you were, you couldn't stand the sounds that thrive there. [Thankees, love!] Don't change me, don't even try it. I'm fine just as I am at the moment. I don't want conversion and I sure as fuck don't want ignorant cunts living in MY head, taking MY thoughts. No, that won't happen and if it does I'll give you a damn good reason not to come back.

I can be mean, but I can be über-sweet...and for right now...you want my über-sweet side because I can be mean and cruel just like the next person---except I don't, again, brag like a self-righteous ass about what I can do and where I'm from. LIke I tell many people [paraphrased] "Show me what you can do, don't tell me!" Of course, when it comes to fighting I'll fight you until someone either pulls me up off of you, we give up, or we die, slain by the other.

I had this one fucker, Lyndell. I almost fought him because I told him I thought of something he did as being hypocritical [something with the fucking window in our classroom....], so he starts telling me that he's from fucking Calhoun Street in fucking Trenton, NJ [you can slaughter him if you want....]. All he did is tell me what he can do....never showed me. I hate that because if you've got the balls to talk, you've got to have the bigger balls to fight me and be destroyed [or not]. Of course, everyone has it coming...but I think the ignorant especially because that's my belief and if you crucify that and find that you're Satan's sex slave don't say anything....I'm just Aden, I'll always be Aden....and I'm fucked up. I know it, you know it, and we all fucking deal with it.

So...what have we learned?

We've learned that I don't come up with excuses, I come up with alternatives, compromises.

I can't stand people who talk and don't fight.....physically, that is. That means your balls aren't as big as you say they are. You might want to fix that.

We've also learned that I don't take your crucifixions, you take mine.

Extended Inroductory

2008-02-15T20:43:00.003-05:00

And a few more things.

--I scare people. I admit it and it might make my numbers small. But I scare people. I scared some kid in my 11B English class for stuff you need not know....and if you do know that's okay too. Just don't tell. The things I say and do scare people. Funnily enough, I don't scare people too....I don't scare two people, and they know who they are. I don't scare them, which is damned good. I need someone to talk to who won't freak out once I tell about the stuff I do and the things I think and the stuff I listen to.

People shouldn't just go on what they see, they need the time to throughly "examine" someone before they deem them as being "uncool" or "freaky" or whatever. But, of course, people do and they're denied really good people....all because they did not delve further in. I think that they are blinded by stereotypes and lies based on what they have been taught. That's not to say that I am any better than anyone reading this [because I'm not and I know this]. That's saying that that might be a reason why people are the way they are.

Of course, not all people are like this.....but I just wish that they'd maybe stop by and say hi to the class outcast or what have you. Or the kid who everyone avoids because s/he's Goth or what their last name is Hussein (there is actually some kid in my school whose last name is Hussein) or because they're Muslim or whatever. That's just wrong and unfair to them because it is not their fault that this is who they are. I'm just trying to say that I (try) to respect people for who they are....not because they know every Cradle of Filth song (though that would pique my interests even MORE...). They're just people, we're just people. Why we are so destined to outcast us is just beyond me.

I like to listen to Evanescence & people think that I am emo. I barely know what emo is, but from what forums say, I'm not. :) I just like the music, why am I emo? I tell people about L'Ame Immortelle, and they just leave. Guys try to set me up for dates (which is why I've got to start saying that I'm taken otherwise they'll try to set me up with dates for the upcoming Junior Prom.

I don't like being set up either....for my failure, or for a date (which is failure because I'm so socially inept.) I'm smart, and I get a big bang out of reading and finding new music and writing. I write poetry that people think is good. Sometimes I don't think so, but hey, everyone has a different opinion--who am I to crucify you just because we don't agree?

Basically, there is so much more that meets the eye...but what the eye takes in the mind forms opinions on...which is not bad, mind you. But when it gets in the way of things...forming stereotypes...then I think it's bad. Not the opinion making, no. The fact that we let stereotypes dictate to us.

That's all I have for now. Stick to your opinions and I'll stick to mine.

[Evanescence/"Before the Dawn"]

2008-02-15T16:07:00.002-05:00

*Just so we all know, yes that's an Evanescence Song....can't tell you which album it comes off of 'cause I don't know...but that's what this blog is semi-inspired by--the song.

*Furthermore, I don't mean to offend anyone reading this.

Okay, so today was funny. Especially during the time between fifth & sixth periods.

You know what pie is, aside from the mathematical kind & the kind that you eat?

Well, my friend kept talking about pie and I said that I liked pie too so he asks if I'm bi & I just looked at him. That was funny. So I start trying to differentiate between the sexual pie and the pie that your grandparents might cook and I said "well my grandma makes pie but I don't eat her out" and my friend just gave me the most pissed off look in the whole world and I was just laughing and laughing just laughing and he's yelling & I'm just laughing.

It's one of those things that you had to be there to see. :)

--Aden Recreated

[L'Ame Immortelle/"Judgement"[as performed by Faith and the Muse]]

2008-02-05T23:11:00.000-05:00

"All the wisdom that I earned

Can't make a change to this state

As I lay down, my spirit's arms

On my knees to seal my fate"

We all know what I'm after with this....I hope.

The above lyrics are my inspiration, I have nothing else so far. I didn't go anywhere and even if I did, the journey wasn't long enough to crank out another piece worth reading or posting.

But...we'll see what I can do.

I suppose I can say, "you know how people might save the world one day?". I don't think so so much. It just doesn't seem to be. I mean, it's 2008. Whatever Christ did for us is never forgotten, but look.....things are just going downwards, down towards Hell...and songs like whatever Soulja Boy & similar artists come out with make it a bit worse.

Sure, it's inevitable. The world is crumbling around us, and has been since 2001 [or perhaps even earlier...that depends on your belief system, though]. We're supposed to cease to exist in 2012.....so everyone's making up all this stuff to instill fear in us. [and I'll admit it...I'm somewhat afraid. Dying's so not my thing.]

In all seriousness, though, we're shutting down. Things seem a bit more prominent. Especially with guys with their pants hanging half off their ass [my biggest pet peeve], looking like they lack dignity. It's just a pet peeve.

But...no matter how many stories we can come up about saviors and heroes saving the world....it'll just crumble, and burn in hell. We all know it'll happen anyways.

But for now....I'll just stop here. Or I'll pick this up tomorrow, Thursday, in the library during second and fifth periods. :)

Aden Recreated

Monastic(Anthoni)/"Butterfly"

2008-02-05T00:00:00.001-05:00

Tonight's piece comes in the form of poetry. It's a poem I wrote on the way home listening to my headphones.

Yes, in all seriousness. All I need to know is if the artist is correctly spelled or if I'm suppose to take out something.

This is called Why Couldn't You Stay

Why Couldn't You Stay?

You professed it to the world at ease

"I love you"...so many variations

Exuberant

Everything you sent means something, everything, to me

The person you profess to love and never destroy

Never hurt or maim, taint

I never wanted to destroy you

I don't want to rip your wings off, as the song says

But, even just for a little while

I don't want you to forget me

The person you profess day and night you love

A hundredfold over, my sweet

But, one day you, in silence, plan your departure

If my curiosity hadn't gotten the best of me

I'd've thought you just left for a spell, and

Things would be normal again, right

We're just illusions..you're just an illusion

I admired you for years on end

I loved a butterfly, an

Illusion

Floating away

Tears consume me

So I drown

I loved a butterfly, an

Illusion

A faint gurgle, and I collapse

Death's butterfly, a wish among the kingdom

Just so we all know...whatever mentioning of lyrics are not mine...are not mine. They are the title person's lyrics. That's gotta get cleared up now.

Of course...there might be more tomorrow when I get out of my SAT prep course. :)

Toodles,

Aden Recreated

[L'Ame Immortelle/"LIfe will never be the same again"]

2008-02-03T10:57:00.000-05:00

I'm not inspired by the title. That's another time, another place....and another reality. This is just the song I'm listening to at the moment. I woke up wanting to listen to this. [I woke up wanting to listen to "Bitterkeit", and changed the mind.]

The song I'm listening to, on the other hand, is really good, a bit better than the one I had off of the album "Lieder die wie Wunden Bluten", but I'm not sure. Thomas' voice has something...but I like it in the version I just previously mentioned. I don't know why, but I do know that I'm going to order the rest of L'Ame Immortelle's (the band....French name, but a majority of their songs are in German & that's just peachy. German's kinda like English anyways. Except that Gift(in German) is poison. Among many other false cognates or whatever they're called

Nice. Real nice.

Just so we all know, I'm 17 & don't want sex...cyber or otherwise, just yet. :)

Don't give it before I decide to crucify you.

I have no poetry for you. Perhaps when school starts back up (tomorrow), I'll have something and you'll like it much. People say I'm a good writer, but that's what they & I think---not what you think. Just search Aden Recreated in Google or Yahoo or something. Results should come up. I have too much.

And I want a pickle. Such as life

Introductory

2008-02-02T18:41:00.000-05:00

Just so we all know...everything on here is real. It's happened once before. What I write can come in the form of poems, stories or rants. What ever I prefer. It's not your concern as to what I write. It's just how it is.

You don't have to read what I'm typing, but I'd like it if you did. Maybe you can relate to what I'm saying. Maybe you care. Now that's going to be one hell of a surprise. Honestly that would be.

Yes, I can be "not like everyone else" it's no matter to me. I've had many people tell me I'm weird and walk away without a backwards glance. I don't know what the "WooTang" is, and I don't care what it is---you just won't catch me doing it. I'm just not that kind of person...I don't get my kicks like that. I get my kicks off of placing my opinions on the world wide web.

The stuff you find is just the stuff you find. It's not important....I take that back. Yes it is. It's very important. You see the world through the eyes of a 17 year old. I'll be seventeen on Wednesday.

Weird, isn't it?

Once you get past the fact that I listen to music that can scare the bejesus out of people, I'm a cool person. Not cool cool..but cool enough.

Now...immerse yourselves.